uncleduck

Regular readers may recognise this one.  Don't complain to me - Fiona was asking after it and *shock* Google couldn't find the original posting.

If I was writing it today then I would have to add the new Olympic-size swimming pool to the list of "How do you know if your town is becoming Belfast".  Unfortunately the pool replaced a new motorway junction at short notice...

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Is your town becoming Belfast?

Not that long ago, the distinction between towns in Northern Ireland was simple. Anywhere outside of Belfast was 'the country' and viewed with disdain by those in Belfast. Rural 'culchies' (agricultural types) saw Belfast as an over-industrialised hole full of complete tossers with no sense of reality.

Unfortunately the people in Belfast realised what the culchies knew all along. The city itself was mostly ok, but ruined by the people who lived in it. Of course all of the Sammies (as they were then known by the culchies) thought other people were to blame. No Sammy viewed himself as a problem.

To escape the grim reality that was Belfast, some Sammies decided to move out. They went really far - 5 miles up the road to Glengormley, viewed as the edge of the world because the local bus service stopped there. For a few years this was fine - the Sammies lived among ordinary hard-working folk and learnt how to be nice to others. Then the other Sammies realised there was life outside Belfast and followed. The Glengormley people went to Ballyclare, Antrim, etc to get away while Glengormley itself became an extension of Belfast - full of little tossers with no sense of reality, all out to fiddle the dole, con other people and generally put one over on the system that they think is there to help them never do a day's work.

Over time, more nice Sammies moved to places like Lisburn, Portadown and even as far as (London)Derry. Unfortunately it only took a few years for the scummy types to find them and what used to be nice towns have now been taken over and become an extension of the state of mind known as 'Belfast'. Bizzarely, educated types from culchie backgrounds have gone to study at Queen's Uni in Belfast and found it a nice place to live. The simple reason is that due to a mass exodus, most Sammies (these days known as Spides) have deserted their ancestral home. Those Sammies that remain have turned to drug dealing in order to afford somewhere to live, as DHSS benefits cannot keep up with property prices in the City.

So the question is, how do you know if your town is becoming Belfast? Here are some ways to tell.

1) Formerly quiet bars are no longer safe to sit and have a quiet pint. Instead the sensible people have been replaced by loud, brash tossers who pour pint after pint down their throat and challenge anyone near them with "whatdyathinkyerlookinat, like?"

2) Street corners are now populated by spides - uneducated thickos in shell suits whith lots of gold chunky jewellry from Argos or H Samuel, often sharing a bottle of cheap cider / spirits. They do not speak to each other, but communicate with seagull-like noises (like "ay-ay-ay", quickly said) People who walk past are laughed at for dressing normally.

3) You cannot enter a shop without hearing the loud Belfast accent arguing with a shop assistant "Like, the this is too dear, like, the shop down the road, like, does it for half the price, like"

4) In the event of (3), above, you marvel the person in question can recognise the difference between a high number and a low number.

5) Sensible minded people cross the road in fear of Millies. These are female spides, but prone to turning on anyone whose ability to read threatens them.

6) You enter JJB Sports (or B&Q) and ask for a pair of running shoes (or a hammer) and the person stares at you blankly and replies "huh?". This person is not a spide, but has been in school among spides who have refused to be educated and who intimidated those among them who wanted to learn to read and write.

7) You often hear spides referring to former school friends who "like, thought they were, like, too effin good for us, like." This refers to the person in question learning to read, write and think and realising they had to get far, far away for their own good. A common escape route is university in GB.

8) In the event of (7) the person in question, if they have remained local, may drive 'like, a big swanky car, like'. This is the reward for their hard work as a dentist, accountant, etc. It is hated by those who drive a more simple car, paid for by benefit fraud.

9) The people in (8) often refer to "Like them effin farrenners like come here and take our jobs like and get like all the help they can like in getting a house". This is translated as "Those nasty foreigners come here to work hard, pay their taxes and not be a nuisance and show us up for the lazy bunch of dole scroungers with no intention of working that we really are."

and,
10) Like, people all around you, like, speak in this, like whiney accent, like and can't, like, stop saying, like, between words, like.