my-world-beyond

last night i felt

i felt emotion

i expressed emotion

i felt good

the expression was falling to my knees and crying but it's expression

all is better  

apart from steph blanking my but i did dump all of my crazy on her

all of me  

so i find my self in a position in which i want answers that i want to know as i think they will help but i'll never get them as she's probable never respond to any coms due to the fact i'm nuts and she now knows this

maybe my brother had a point when he said i'm unstable 

i've never felt stable 

working in an office as an office asstant gives me a strange standing in the office cast system

if you have ever read the time machine then your familer with the morlocks and the eloi

the morlocks live below the surface working great machines to keep the eloi in great comfort as the morlocks mainly eat eloi

they are a depiction of the working class and the upper class with an evil twist of those who work the hardest get the cream

H G Wells is thought to have been inspired by a time in his childhood when his mother was a servent in a stately home

he used to play in the spraling tunnels that lay below the house

tunnels to allow the servets to do their jobs unseen by the lord of the manor

i make teas and coffees for meetings, clean away the cups after, collect deliverys from the loading bay and take them up to the desk chair jockys

i'm a border line morlock

as i do things directly for the office workers they communicate to me a little mostly about trivial things mainly as i ware a white shirt rather than a kitchen or cleaners uniform

but most of the time i'm ignored

a smile and a thank you would be really nice but they float in thier bubble and rarely accept my existance other when i ask them to move as there stood in the kitchen station chatting a way and i'm trying to load up a trolly with tea and coffee for 15 thats 5 mins late or when they ask if they can have a cup of coffee on the house, this i don't mind as i end up chucking most of it away but when i saw this woman open a new orange juice carton  ment for office lunch meeting and had a pint glass full, i had to say something.

she just looked at me as like cow stares at an oncoming train and walked off 

if my boss saw me do that i'd get a bollocking

the guys who clean up the tiolets, the kichen, the offices

they the morlocks

they get ignored by every one

i say hi to them when ever i see them but they seamed shocked to be talked to by someone wareing a shirt

back to my point

my job is a joke

if the people in the TDA were willing to knock up their own tea and coffee and push a trolly down to the loading bay i would'nt be making 8.77 an hour for what is only about 2 thirds of a days work

on an other note the tda office is literly right aross the road from victoria bus station  

after my first day i was leaving and i spotted what i knew at a glance was a large bag of weed which was at least 50 quids worth

it was just lying on the floor just out side a government building on a raised shopping area which has few sercurity gards that partroll regually 

it was just by the base of a postcard rack

i reckon it belonged to some poor blok who'ed just got off a coach from aross the cannel with enougth herb to serve thier stay in our land

it smelt strange but got me pretty stoned

twaz a relaxed i could sit on a bench watching ducks for a few hours high 

but the strange thing is that the next time you smoke it slaps you in the face with a shit my brains just melted high that lasts for 5 mins

i had a cig during lunch and ended up just sitting on a step in the sun for a bit

it was a fucking good night

met the current members and they seemed to be a nice buch of lads

a bit upper class and snooty well spoken lot but nice guys

got a chance to chat with my dads uni mates and drank my share of fine beers

mostly london pride which makes the foulest smelling farts but whay can i say

was a good night

i chated to steph today

twoz over the suprising piss poor facebook instant messenger

i have to say i feel better by a hundred fold

i got a chance to say most of what i really wanted to tell her

but i think i fluffed it a little when i asked if she still had her letters that she had written to me and i gave back to her at the airport

she just did'nt reply

i sat and looked at a box for 14 minutes untill she went from online to off line

i don't really care what she may or may not have done with them

but i'm pretty sure i would have gotten rid of them and then gotten pissed off for doing so if i'd kept them

any way

i feel so much better

i feel great

plus i'm off for a few drinks with my dad tonight

it's a meeting of his old medical school drinking club the Dionysian society

these days they mostly go on golf tours of the south coast and have a cricket match every now and again

but in their day i'm pretty sure my dad and many, now pillars of the medical profession were by any standards alcholics

and i'm off tonight to go have a drinking session with a bunch of dentists, anaesthetists, GPs and at least one orthopedic surgeon and a radiologist

most i knew of by there drinking names and deeds before i ever met them in person

for instants my dad in known as rat so i'm going to be referred to as rugrat tonight

tis gonner be fun

plus i have something to be happy about

so here's whats going to be going down in my world

my cousin and his girl friend may end up on the streets if they continue to treat our house like a squat and my mum like a servent

i may end up getting a job giving out the metro in london

i'll be going to the strawberry fair in cambridge

i'm at this time trying to get in touch with steph

my parents are still under the impression that i'm going to uni