my-world-beyond

well as the title hints i'm not employed yet

and i've changed my view on steph to

fuck it why am i trying to not be angry at her

she ignored me for two and a half weeks and then she kinda exploded me in-flight spreading my debrie over a toxic wasteland

my temper may be my most hated personal trait but i need to fucking tell her what it all felt like and if it means i end up de-evolving and shouting down a phone then so be it 

why the fuck did she do that to me

inviting me to gib so she can ignore me and dash every hope i had 

it's a good thing i don't have her letters with me

i can't read her lies  

in another note

will asked me if i was feeling ok after watching me play halo for a bit

i said i was fine and then went on to beat down a large group of bad guys while talking to the screen informing them how thier atempts to live are pafetic and they will suffer be for i finish them

i then paused the game and said how the whole steph thing is playing on my mind and this makes me feel better 

i don't normally talk to my computer games but making things suffer feels great

punching an elite three times and them emptying a pistol mag into it's face at point blank just makes me feel better about resent events 

turns out steph does'nt want to have a relationship right now

took two weeks to get her to tell me that  

turns out all I had to do was get her alone and ask

neither were easy

one as she was always surrounded by her friends on the few times she was out and the other was just me not knowing how and when to talk to her 

I'm still pissed off that of the two weeks I only spent two and a half days with her

I'm still pissed off that she asked me to visit and I ended up staying at Johanns for all but the last two nights 

but being pissed off ain't going to help me get a job, make a plan for the next level of my life and

still can't shake off the fact that I still think it was a wasted trip

I gave her back her letters and her earing at the airport  

in retro spect it was only the stupidest thing I could have done as it must have seamed like a 'goodbye I don't want to see you again'

i've emailed her exsplaining but it was such a fucking stupid thing to do 

I just did'nt want to have them near me

I did'nt want to read them and get upset  

now I want read them as they always made me smile

I hope she forgives me

I still like her

I still like her a lot  

turns out steph is very sick

much sicker than i had thought

i figured it was a stomach bug or summin

turn out she is right now dicing up the choice of either living with a cocktail of meds and never ending nausia with a chance of it getting better on it's own or never having children

I am one of the few people who know how bad she is

not even her mother knows and i do

she was under doctors orders to avoid walking but she made the effort to come out and speak to me

she entrusted me with this and i just want to comfort her but as usual my tounge stuck

i could'nt think of any thing to say

later on when i was in bed i thought of a hundered things i could have done or said

stupid supreame

new years went down the pan in amazing fashion with fire works and shit

steph has been ill and in bed scince i arrived here in Gibraltar

i've been recovering from illness my self from a Gib kabab of great evil

the main point of me coming here was to see her and shes been in and out of hospital and mostly layed up in bed sick

that can't be helped

her not talking to me on the few times she has been out and not replying to my texts

that can be helped

i don't fucking know what to think or do

i think i've wasted my time and money coming here

but it was her idea for me to come here at new years

if i'd stayed home i'd at least been able to stay in by myself like i wanted to last year but of course seeing as i'm staying at johanns not stephs (due to the fact she's ill)

i had to stay out with him and all his mates till the early hours every second wanting to beat the living shit out of something due to my shear frustration at my fucking pathetic situation

any way

steph did come out on new years for about an hour and a bit but i think i said about 30 words to her in total

plus every time i tryed to get close to her and talk to her she moved to the other side of the group

think oppasit magnets

i'm not sure she wants me here even tho she was the one who invited me here

what the fuck

what the fucking fucking fuck

fuck this shit

fuck my life

is this a life or one build up after another to the eventual kick in the teeth