my-world-beyond

dreams

some say they express your thoughts and feelings

some say they tell the future

i seem to either have one of my many re-occering nightmares or something that would fit in with the socks series on fat pie 

i just seem to get dreams that don't make sence

like sitting at a table in a pub filled with man size squirrles drinking real ale

then a large red squirrle with a bow tie tells me that if i'd like to take part in a card game i'd would have to get them some smooth peanut butter on toast so i go get them some smooth peanut butter on toast and let a large snake in the pub that eats all the squirrles so i then ate all the toast

last night i dreamt of an e-mail from stephanie i could not open

no matter how many times i clicked it or refreshed the page it would not open

in the end i threw the screen out a window but as i watch it fall i see the e-mail open just as it hits the floor and smashes

i could go sleep on it but that would'nt really help me

i guess i should delete that last entry but i like it

i was being very truthful

i was baring my soul to the whole internet but i did'nt really care as here your faceless

no body here really knows every body else out side of the site

thats the beuty of blogging

the fact that we don't acctually know each other gives a kind of free rein to speak your mind and no be judged for it like you would in the real world

your not even adressing any one

your talking into empty space

less on the dynamics of blogging for now

it's my birthday today

to be honest i did'nt know till my phone reminded me this morning

think i might open up my lt of jack i got in singapore for 12 quid

but i think i won't and just stay in

i don't really want to go out celibrating

but i guess i should make a few texts and see if any one wants to go a drinkin but i'm not going to drink that much

might be heading up to cambridge for a little pre moving in do with the flat mates which might be a bit interesting as the letting company has just been taken over by 'white kite ltd' under the franshise of nicolas J humpreys

means that we'll have to walk about 10 mins more to see our land lords and that we might become victims to a little white collared crime

also i'll have to buzz will and liam for the money they both owe me some time soon

£320 each for two pairs of download tickets i let them buy of me on credit (stupid)

this could be the cause of a major rift between me and my flatmates to be but i need the money

i don't want to be the cunt who spikes both thier student loads as soon as they come in but i nee to be hard on this

i've already been soft on liam who bought one on behalf of his friend nathen who payed liam for his but liam did'nt tell me this and spent the money

i made him feel like the arse by saying that if he had told me that he was broke and needed the money i would have let it slide

but i was pretty tight then too and would have probely told him to give me the 60 and live of the 100

what was more funny was how he then tryed to borrow another 175 of me to pay his retainer on the house after we got back from download

from what i know he's been working in a cadburys factory all summer so i hope to god he's lern his lesson

any way i'm not going to be lending him any money from now on

his credit is no longer accepted tender

fuck that i'm not going to be lending any money to any one from now on

it's just easyer that way

the following is a bunch of stuff i've typed on the internet

why i've done this is stupid

but your reading this so i put it to you that you are more stupid than i

or possible have more spare time

this is what i've lernt about my self

i could possible be in love with a woman i have sent more words over msn than words via my lips

the only time i can spend with her in person is when she and i are in the same country which the next time is this septenber

i have been drinming white wine (effects unknown)

i have spent long night staying up waiting for her name to change from offline to online

i can't shake off the feeling that i'm on the edge of some thing importent but am too scared to step of that edge

i thi9nk i'm a pafetic little person

i cant be botherd to press the back space button when i can see that i have made a blatent misstake

i need some sleep

i will read her letters before i got to bed

i will fall asleep thinking about her

i will fear that she does not feel the same

i will fear that i'm rushing into things

i will fear that i will come on to heavy and scare her away

i fear she is trying to avoid me on the internet (pathetic huh)

i will let theese fears get the better of me

i will go now and drink some red wine (fuck it)

i might tell her that before i met her i had set a date to kill my self

after that i might re arrange the date

meybe i'll start tell ign people how i really feel about hem and myself

some day i might lern something

till then lern this

don't let people fuck you over (to long i have let this happen to me)

and befopre  i for get 

fuck you

i don't know you and i'm adressing people i don't even know but fuck you

in summary

fuck you

here i am

so follows the reason why i don't drink wine

it makes me think

i sit there and i drink and i think to hard

i pick my self apart and write my self off

i become a self loathing cynical drunk with an apatite for sarcasum

suddenly i'm all depressed which beats me feeling content all the time

the last time i felt truely happy i was holding my girlfriend

the girlfriend who i belive i have no future with after half a bottle of ozzy merlot shraz and contemplate breaking up with her now rather then waiting around for the enevitible seperation and get used to the idea of living and dieing alone due to the fact that i lack many of the skills that are the foundation of a long lasting relationship

i then wake up in the morning and fraticly check my phone in case a sent any messages or made any calls that will be made eventually but i don't want to make right now

the stupid thing is i really like her

i spend a lot of time thinking about her

i read the two letters she wrote me most nights before i go to bed

if a wanted to scare my self i could suppose i love her

i can remember exactly how her hair smelt, what her voice sounds like and how her eyes are grolsh bottle green

i suppose they use the same colour glass to make many brand beer bottles but in my head through the power of red/green colour blindness hers look like grolsh bottles, maybe a shade lighter

but thats neither here nor there 

from now on, no wine

it ain't good for me and i hate the way it makes me feel

no wonder hendrix chose red wine and sleeping pills

i'm sticking to beer and spirits from now on

nuth said

ok

i'm not a toad killing nutter

but i still don't feel sorry for it

in other events

i saw a kangaroo by the side of the road

twas road kill

saw a cockatoo in the garden

they sound like the harpys in that really old version of jason and the argonauts plus they have real beady eyes and are bigger than you think

i saw a koalla bear (they are not bears they are marsoupials) and they smell real bad, i mean you can smell them before you can see them

ozzy telly is like american telly

all hyped up shock factor, looks more like a drama than the news, every story is a scandle involving someone or something and i saw a story about how sex education should be given to 5 year olds

some people should just be told to shut the fuck up

stop blaming the schools for failing the kids and turn on a telly

the media has more to do with how you grow up than the school system

why should they be the ones picking up the tab

the media people

there is your source

start blaming the right people and not daming the ones who you think should be sorting it out

fucking idiots

and yes i have been drinking

bunderburg rum for you infomation

it's very nice

i'm typing with one eye closed so i don't hit the wrong keys

i'm now going to go and finish the bottle

good day to you sir/madam