my-world-beyond

did my second count on the bills

turns out the bill was quite off the amounts the fucker said

only buy 60 queens heads each

i knew it was way to big

any hoo i don't think he ment to miss count

he seamed as relived as i was to find out

still i would'nt trust him in a live fire situation

but paint ball would be a different matter

any way heres some shit i typed while drunk a few days back

would have posted it then but the platform 27 was playing up

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just stayed up to silly o'clock watching the lost boys

last time i watched that film i was sat next to steph on her bed

she was sleeping i was crying

i could have talked to her at any moment i wanted but i could'nt

i did'nt know how to talk to her

i did'nt know what to say

i was scared to try

i just sat there

i think i know why



i won't bore you all to much

but i came to realize that me and her were a joke only i took serously

i was a one night stand and i could'nt take it

thats why i could'nt fuck her back then and thats why i could barly look at her over new years

thats why she ignored me

i ignored her

her silence to this day is only mached to my own when i was sat in the next room to her or right next to her



i could tick over what if's

or i could get some sand and face it



it all happend because i let it get that far

i could try hating her but she probably found me charming for one night and took pity on me for the rest

it ain't her fault she found me to pathetic to put down



no more

time to become a vertabret

stop posting shit like this to inspire pity from random internet people

time to get something out of the world

there is no fate but what we make

---------------------------------------------

i'd still jump at the chance to see her again

this time i'll have the words

if i don't then i got nothing to loose if i ad-lib

that is if i ever see her again

but i'm not waiting

i bet she ain't

fact

men bitch too

lets start with a begining

my bank card was witheld by the hole in the wall due to it being exspired

the bank did'nt tell me

i have money but i can't get to it with out going into the bank

no biggy really but it pissed me off pretty hard core over the fucking bank holiday

the fucker has no money and today used money given to him for a bill by will to go out and get pissed (i am yet to pay due to fore mentioned bank issues)

bill money he's been quite pushy in chasing everyone up for  

it's not your money it's the gas company's money 

think i'll hold onto my quater till i sort out the bank and write him a cheque, no cash

plus i don't entirly trust his count on the bill

me tinks he may be trying to basicly steal from us but i'll make my own count in the morn

and pissed he did get but at least he did'nt bring home some chavs who rinsed him for free shit or come home all angsty over a chick or sick on the pavement outside our front door 

he did spill beer down himself (which i thought was pretty funny)

also he made a very clumsy drunk advance on this emma girl (which was gold)

she's just got back from america due to a year long exchange thingy

kinda cool really

any hoo she's camping out at kirsty and jens as they have spare roomage and she is with out roomage due to the amerika thang

so she has become a regular thing round our house as kirsty is basicly going out with olly (even tho he and his long time girlfriend are still together to my knoledge) and jen is having an off or on or on or off or on thing with will and every body else still treats our house as a squat they can turn up to and drink at so i'm starting to get sick of opening the door to people knowing they will leave their emptys on the floor or the table for me to pick up as i know no one else will

does that make me whinnny little bitch or should i set out easy to reach bins in the living room

i see storm clouds on the horizon in the home front

or more i see people around me running at doors that they think will be open but might turn out to be doors painted on brick walls

makes me smile i gave up on that shit some time back

tho i may chance my dice with emma, shes pretty cool, i like her and the fact she's a hot emo chick may have something to do with it (i guess i just have a thing for lip piercings and red and black poka dot 1960's dresses)

it makes me not smile as i'm paying a lot of attension to the relationships of those around me and i've been pretty good at guessing the next plot twist so far 

annoys me that i see it coming before i think they do but i have no idea how to advise or if i should advise

any way now he's shouting at americans over xbox live as they keep on killing him 

mainly due to that fact he's pissed and i'm running my downloading software to rinse the internet to get him to go to bed

i've asked him to keep it down twice already and now he's telling some hick how he's as english as english gets coz he's a celt

fucking basterd retard arse hole

id rather have the hick speak for my country than him

id rather he died for real and stopped respawning personally but thats just me and i'm stone sober and pissed off

mark from over the road has been pretty cool lately 

if it wernt for chilling with him watching a few films or getting catatonically stoned at least once a week i'd have ripped of the celtic fuckers head already and made a tastful water feature out of his cadaver and a few other house hold items

having bought some razor blads and not being able to find them i now have a shitty beard on my face 

found the blades yesterday but i'm starting to like the beard and it suits me apparently too so i'll run with it for a while

i'll leave it there for the moment

bye  n  bye 

tas been a year scince i met her

exactly a year as of thursday

why do i know that ??

why did i bother to remember the date

it marks the start of the my fall

the start of the lie i knew to be false but clung to it as truth

blah blah blah depressing bullshit, fine day tho

kirsty brought round these diarys last night that some one had found in their attic

every one was reading them a pissing them selves

i just thought

its just really really creepy

there is a lot of personal thoughts in there why would you leave them behind to be found

any hoo

it's starwars day

may the 4th be with you

to celibrate starwars day i'm going to be

playing battle front 2

watching episode V

haveing a light saber fight

playing episode 1 racer on my laptop via emulator

rocking out to impiral march by metallica

but most of all i'll be trying to forget that on this day 1 year ago i slept with her and she said some really nice things to me and i said a few back and belived her

none of this flows but fuck it

i ain't trying to win the booker prise

(but i think she's won the hooker prise fucking bitch)

polite round up of thoughts and feelings 

whitty joke 

optamistic conclusion  

fond farewell 

due to lack of space in my photo bin

here are the links to facebook 

be hold my finest brew

me and the brew (with the fucker) 

my new friend

now we wait

i went for the bitter beer malt

when bottling starts there will be more pictures

still no job

i pissed in his tea cup

am going to get the brewing goods tomorrow after going down the job center

photos to follow

of the brewing that is not the for mentioned tea cup

here by listif i such tasks as to be under taken at mine own time

get a job

make liam a cup of tea and spit in it

brew my own beer

sub notes

brave the job center get some thing

don't get mad get even - note that concideration of washing his tea cup in my own urine was thrown out due to high risk

brewing own beer 

--equipment needed (one off buy)

fermentation bucket 25lt - £7-8

air locks - £2.50 for 2

tap - £2-3 

steriliser - 1.50 (re-usible)

--ingredients  

malt extract £8-9

suger 1k £1-2

yeast - 70p (will last several batches) 

all can be gotten at wilkinsons on the high road in derby

fermentation bucket will need drilling for airlock and tap 

can provide 25lt of beer at £27 start up cost with each batch after that costing £12

turn around time 2 weeks per batch

will keep for 1 month after bottleing

beer produced will be around 3-4% and resemble light ale  

dad has taken me through the home brewing method and i've down loaded several e-books with lots of pictures

this could work very well

this could be the best idea i've had all year 

hate to sound like a cracked record but here goes another steph based entry

seams she is completly ignoring me

the first girl to take an interest in me in a romantic manner now is not even accepting the fact i exist

it's all starting to get real taxing on my mind

i got back into a bad habbit today

i boiled the kettle

let it cool a little then poured it on my hand slowly

as slow as i dared 

self harm is a stupid thing 

but i guess it's no different to smoking

both damage my health 

both are frowned upon

both i enjoy in a strange way

only one costs money and can only be done out side and the other removes a layer of skin from my hand in exchange for feeling physical pain to contrast the mental pain

works for me  

well

it's happend

i'm on the dole

now i can only go up

in theary that is 

to night i think i had a intesresting thought

i'm jeolous of mine most hated co-exister of 37 

to night we went to lucy from aross the road's mighty boosh theamed birthday party

i went as the moon (milky white oh so bright)

after mighty boosh theamed king cup most were most typsy

as one could be assumed of a girls birthday party the bottle started spining

i fucking hate that game

it's like gambleing with your own self respect in the hope of being there to see another lose all of thiers 

that fucking game kicks up a lot of shit from the past

being forced to play by friends at shitty partys and school discos

any hoo working to my point

liam as well of likeing to see him self as some celtic samuri ninja with specil mation to sephiroth from final fantsy

me having blond hair he calls me cloud when he's trying to make conversation or during (the fact is that ledgend of zelda: ocarina of time was 10 times better)

tonight or should i say during the early hours of this morning while the bottle was spinning and i was outside chain smoking in solo protest

soon i came to share my haven from the hoard of pathetic drunk people that were actually saping away my faith in the human race

any hoo still i'm getting there 

me and kirsty the night i sent my e-mail to steph spent a good hour, hour and a half just talking at first floor

unusally i did'nt get the feeling she was getting board of me talking and we had a good chat

plus the fact that she is a real stunner  

it seemed surpriseing to me a first a girl that hot and uberly out of my reach was talking to let alone appearing to enjoy my conversation and company 

at first i rekond that she knew that and saw me as a non-threatening blok of whom she can just talk to

the fact is i enjoy her company  

and that last i heard she had a boyfriend

i thought back to how i had cracked a joke earler during one of the bands that were playing there were these three girls doing this synked windwill to the chorus of this band and that this blok in a poloshirt went and stood next to them right at the front in an attempt to catch thier eyes, i pointed this out to her in a joking 'stupid basterd, he thinks that will work' kinda way and as i spoke polo shirt was pushed out the way a well groomed indie like kid who sort of stared into space over thier side of the stage. i figuerd he was trying to look the interlectual

that just made me laugth

later on at the bar we started talking 

then it kinda set in that she might kinda like me

at one point she said how she was now single and i thought of sharing my steph saga but we just chated along 

the point (finaly)

during the boosh party she and liam were one of those playing and he got to snog her twice, i found my self feeling really gelous for the first time in a long time

i'd almost forgetten what it felt like

any hoo i know that he likes her same as me and he's on the same coarse as her but usally when we have post and pre 1st floor drinks at our house he usally ignors her for jen who is having a thing with will any way but jen is even hotter and has a great personallity

but jen is basicly having a thing with will while holding a boyriend at home in cornwall

i fel bad things on the wind for him 

so here i stand feeling like cloud even more

facing up to a long haired, trench coated bad guy who needs to wash more and dose not contribute to house hold chors

in love and life

the problem is that
i belive that my mild dis respect for his existents and any thing to do with him might get in the way of my inteligent thinking

plus i'm still waiting to hear back from steph

wait and see me tinks  

well as the title hints i'm not employed yet

and i've changed my view on steph to

fuck it why am i trying to not be angry at her

she ignored me for two and a half weeks and then she kinda exploded me in-flight spreading my debrie over a toxic wasteland

my temper may be my most hated personal trait but i need to fucking tell her what it all felt like and if it means i end up de-evolving and shouting down a phone then so be it 

why the fuck did she do that to me

inviting me to gib so she can ignore me and dash every hope i had 

it's a good thing i don't have her letters with me

i can't read her lies  

in another note

will asked me if i was feeling ok after watching me play halo for a bit

i said i was fine and then went on to beat down a large group of bad guys while talking to the screen informing them how thier atempts to live are pafetic and they will suffer be for i finish them

i then paused the game and said how the whole steph thing is playing on my mind and this makes me feel better 

i don't normally talk to my computer games but making things suffer feels great

punching an elite three times and them emptying a pistol mag into it's face at point blank just makes me feel better about resent events