my-world-beyond

went to hell last night

the george wansted

last friday night before most go back to uni

why are soldiers in iraq being blown up when places like the george are left untouched

the 16-17 year old slags all done up shouting at each other at point blank range

the round of applause at the sound of a smashed glass

drunk fuck heads tuging on my hair as they walk past

the guy pleading to his girl friend after being caught snogging another chick

people i recognise from school who see me but pretend not to

not that i care, i have no interest in talking to them either

they can keep this hell

if this is what they all go out and do together i pitty them

i'm glad i have nothing to do with them and them with me

this may be all high and mighty if this is what the majority of people do with thier friends then fuck this

if you call this a good night out then the world is going to hell and i'm getting off

this is the downfall of socity

i'll leave on this

Obi Wan - "Mos Eisley spaceport: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious"

die die die you fucking pieces of shit

this is not worth the money any more you people are making me feel sick

the only things making this tollerible are showers were i can wash the stench of london off me after wadeing through human filth on the under ground and jordan rudess's solo albums

i'm having trouble keeping this in the can any more

i want to rip someones head off for the reasons of they were there and i feel like it

i work a shitty job now and i know that in derby i'll be lucky to get a job any were near as good as this one but i don't want to be here in london

this place is to big, to many people, the tube has gone from form of public transport to this torture chamber sweat box i have to drag my carcuss through monday to friday.

i can't stand it any more. i feel like i'm leaving a part of my soul in one of those carrages every day

i don't want to be around my parents and in derby i have friends

i want to get back to the freedom of living in the house in derby but i'll be living with the slob master 4000

more than any thing i want to be back in derby because i can be me, i can be away from here

i don't know where i'm going and i don't know were i'd rather be but i know it's not just away from london, it away from people

people in general

the sooner i get to know people the sooner they start fucking me off

i need sleep

i've playing with a yoyo recently

very relaxing and there are quite a few easy to lern tricks  

i have many yoyos now and am working into some of the advanced tricks

from cheap £2 ones to one which cost £40 but it is liquid smooth and a joy to work with

i even got one that tells me how fast is was spinning and an old school turbo bumble bee of ebay

i like yoyo

keeps the mind focused and the hands bissy 

plus it's a pocket size hobby and apart from fresh strings has little to no running costs

keeps my mind off her 

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/mask

i like the drums in the back ground 

i like the animation

i hate how it's relivent

last night i felt

i felt emotion

i expressed emotion

i felt good

the expression was falling to my knees and crying but it's expression

all is better  

apart from steph blanking my but i did dump all of my crazy on her

all of me  

so i find my self in a position in which i want answers that i want to know as i think they will help but i'll never get them as she's probable never respond to any coms due to the fact i'm nuts and she now knows this

maybe my brother had a point when he said i'm unstable 

i've never felt stable 

working in an office as an office asstant gives me a strange standing in the office cast system

if you have ever read the time machine then your familer with the morlocks and the eloi

the morlocks live below the surface working great machines to keep the eloi in great comfort as the morlocks mainly eat eloi

they are a depiction of the working class and the upper class with an evil twist of those who work the hardest get the cream

H G Wells is thought to have been inspired by a time in his childhood when his mother was a servent in a stately home

he used to play in the spraling tunnels that lay below the house

tunnels to allow the servets to do their jobs unseen by the lord of the manor

i make teas and coffees for meetings, clean away the cups after, collect deliverys from the loading bay and take them up to the desk chair jockys

i'm a border line morlock

as i do things directly for the office workers they communicate to me a little mostly about trivial things mainly as i ware a white shirt rather than a kitchen or cleaners uniform

but most of the time i'm ignored

a smile and a thank you would be really nice but they float in thier bubble and rarely accept my existance other when i ask them to move as there stood in the kitchen station chatting a way and i'm trying to load up a trolly with tea and coffee for 15 thats 5 mins late or when they ask if they can have a cup of coffee on the house, this i don't mind as i end up chucking most of it away but when i saw this woman open a new orange juice carton  ment for office lunch meeting and had a pint glass full, i had to say something.

she just looked at me as like cow stares at an oncoming train and walked off 

if my boss saw me do that i'd get a bollocking

the guys who clean up the tiolets, the kichen, the offices

they the morlocks

they get ignored by every one

i say hi to them when ever i see them but they seamed shocked to be talked to by someone wareing a shirt

back to my point

my job is a joke

if the people in the TDA were willing to knock up their own tea and coffee and push a trolly down to the loading bay i would'nt be making 8.77 an hour for what is only about 2 thirds of a days work

on an other note the tda office is literly right aross the road from victoria bus station  

after my first day i was leaving and i spotted what i knew at a glance was a large bag of weed which was at least 50 quids worth

it was just lying on the floor just out side a government building on a raised shopping area which has few sercurity gards that partroll regually 

it was just by the base of a postcard rack

i reckon it belonged to some poor blok who'ed just got off a coach from aross the cannel with enougth herb to serve thier stay in our land

it smelt strange but got me pretty stoned

twaz a relaxed i could sit on a bench watching ducks for a few hours high 

but the strange thing is that the next time you smoke it slaps you in the face with a shit my brains just melted high that lasts for 5 mins

i had a cig during lunch and ended up just sitting on a step in the sun for a bit

it was a fucking good night

met the current members and they seemed to be a nice buch of lads

a bit upper class and snooty well spoken lot but nice guys

got a chance to chat with my dads uni mates and drank my share of fine beers

mostly london pride which makes the foulest smelling farts but whay can i say

was a good night

i chated to steph today

twoz over the suprising piss poor facebook instant messenger

i have to say i feel better by a hundred fold

i got a chance to say most of what i really wanted to tell her

but i think i fluffed it a little when i asked if she still had her letters that she had written to me and i gave back to her at the airport

she just did'nt reply

i sat and looked at a box for 14 minutes untill she went from online to off line

i don't really care what she may or may not have done with them

but i'm pretty sure i would have gotten rid of them and then gotten pissed off for doing so if i'd kept them

any way

i feel so much better

i feel great

plus i'm off for a few drinks with my dad tonight

it's a meeting of his old medical school drinking club the Dionysian society

these days they mostly go on golf tours of the south coast and have a cricket match every now and again

but in their day i'm pretty sure my dad and many, now pillars of the medical profession were by any standards alcholics

and i'm off tonight to go have a drinking session with a bunch of dentists, anaesthetists, GPs and at least one orthopedic surgeon and a radiologist

most i knew of by there drinking names and deeds before i ever met them in person

for instants my dad in known as rat so i'm going to be referred to as rugrat tonight

tis gonner be fun

plus i have something to be happy about

so here's whats going to be going down in my world

my cousin and his girl friend may end up on the streets if they continue to treat our house like a squat and my mum like a servent

i may end up getting a job giving out the metro in london

i'll be going to the strawberry fair in cambridge

i'm at this time trying to get in touch with steph

my parents are still under the impression that i'm going to uni

did my second count on the bills

turns out the bill was quite off the amounts the fucker said

only buy 60 queens heads each

i knew it was way to big

any hoo i don't think he ment to miss count

he seamed as relived as i was to find out

still i would'nt trust him in a live fire situation

but paint ball would be a different matter

any way heres some shit i typed while drunk a few days back

would have posted it then but the platform 27 was playing up

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

just stayed up to silly o'clock watching the lost boys

last time i watched that film i was sat next to steph on her bed

she was sleeping i was crying

i could have talked to her at any moment i wanted but i could'nt

i did'nt know how to talk to her

i did'nt know what to say

i was scared to try

i just sat there

i think i know why



i won't bore you all to much

but i came to realize that me and her were a joke only i took serously

i was a one night stand and i could'nt take it

thats why i could'nt fuck her back then and thats why i could barly look at her over new years

thats why she ignored me

i ignored her

her silence to this day is only mached to my own when i was sat in the next room to her or right next to her



i could tick over what if's

or i could get some sand and face it



it all happend because i let it get that far

i could try hating her but she probably found me charming for one night and took pity on me for the rest

it ain't her fault she found me to pathetic to put down



no more

time to become a vertabret

stop posting shit like this to inspire pity from random internet people

time to get something out of the world

there is no fate but what we make

---------------------------------------------

i'd still jump at the chance to see her again

this time i'll have the words

if i don't then i got nothing to loose if i ad-lib

that is if i ever see her again

but i'm not waiting

i bet she ain't