Life After Divorce

So, it's been about 7 weeks since I 'alerted' Sam's 'other' girlfriend to my existence. That night, Mildrid ended up coming over to my house to 'see the proof' of my relationship with Sam. I had all the gifts, cards and trinkets out on show ready. To cut a long story very short, she has dumped him and I have not spoken to him. In fact, she was planning to go to Australia for a couple of months at some point and decided to go early and 'make a new start' to get over him.

It took about 4 days before everything hit me. I cried myself to sleep every night for the next few nights.

Then I thought 'onwards and upwards'. I got back out on the 'scene' and met someone. Purely fluke really, because I was just looking for a bit of attention really and nothing more. The new guy Richard, was very recently separated and we just ended up talking and talking. We talked for hours and hours. About everything. Everything that happened to me in my life, everything that happened to him in his life and how I now felt damaged and broken because of the ex husband and more recently the ex boyfriend. We clicked straight away and like a whirlwind, have 'ended' up together. We've now been together for 5 weeks, but it feels for both of us, more like 3 months. We've seen so much of each other and for the first two weeks were on the phone every night for between 4 and 6 hours at a time.

Then, last Friday happened. After not having heard anything from Sam for all this time, I received a text. I ignored it. Then another. I ignored that too. Then four others, within the space of an hour. All bitchy, nasty and horrible texts. I spoke to my best friend. She said to ignore them. And then, nothing. Good.

Then today happened. I received a card in the post. A vulgar card. More bitchy and nasty words inside. I don't know what I'm supposed to do? Clearly ignoring Sam has really aggravated him (good!) but receiving this latest correspondence in the post has upset me too, in that it has brought to the surface memories I don't want to think about.

I had serious trust issues anyway before I met Sam. After my experience with Sam, those trust issues are much more pronounced. In fact, today, I caused a minor row with Richard. He had been really busy at work all day and didn't get around to phoning me or texting me. We've not had a day go by like that without some sort of communication. However, the more I thought about it, the more I worked myself up. I came to the conclusion, that now he was starting to play games with me. I concluded that he had not been in contact because he was testing me. Or worse, had become complacent in our 'relationship' and had decided that he didn't need to make the effort anymore with me.

We had arranged this morning that I would pick him up from the train station this evening. I met as arranged. I was cold. Offish. I was fuming inside really. Then it came out. I told him I thought he was playing games. Fucking with my head. He was hurt. We got home. I went upstairs in a 'huff' and he shouted at me. He said he didn't deserve what I'd dished out. He shouted that he should just 'Go Home'. I replied 'So Go Home Then'. Then I laid on my bed and cried. After 10 minutes or so, he came up stairs and cuddled me. We talked. We made up. He didn't know about the card from Sam at that point.

I've been trying to analyse what happened today. For four and a half weeks I have felt like I've been going two steps forward with Richard and one step back. Each step back is me suddenly feeling twitchy and nervy about the speed of the 'relationship' and the amount of attention he has been giving me. I've never had that before. I'm not used to it. I don't know how to handle it. It's always me doing the 'chasing'. Perhaps I question why I even deserved it. Not having heard anything from him today, really made me upset, because it made me realise that actually, I think I'm starting to fall in love with him. So now I feel open, vulnerable and nothing to protect me if the shit hits the fan.

I now see a very gloomy future for me and Richard. I don't think he will be able to put up with these irrational reactions from me for much longer. At the moment, he is still sympathetic to my situation. After all, we've only been together for 5 weeks. But what about in 3 or 4 months time? I suspect he will get tired of it. I suspect he will get frustrated with it. I suspect he will get bored by it. Then he will leave me. Then I will be on my own again. However this time, it will be my own doing.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE THIS ABOUT MYSELF!! I wish I could just go with the flow. I wish I could 'trust' again. I don't doubt his fidelity. I doubt that he won't leave me. Tragic really. He may be the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm going to ruin it.