Life After Divorce

So, it's been about 7 weeks since I 'alerted' Sam's 'other' girlfriend to my existence. That night, Mildrid ended up coming over to my house to 'see the proof' of my relationship with Sam. I had all the gifts, cards and trinkets out on show ready. To cut a long story very short, she has dumped him and I have not spoken to him. In fact, she was planning to go to Australia for a couple of months at some point and decided to go early and 'make a new start' to get over him.

It took about 4 days before everything hit me. I cried myself to sleep every night for the next few nights.

Then I thought 'onwards and upwards'. I got back out on the 'scene' and met someone. Purely fluke really, because I was just looking for a bit of attention really and nothing more. The new guy Richard, was very recently separated and we just ended up talking and talking. We talked for hours and hours. About everything. Everything that happened to me in my life, everything that happened to him in his life and how I now felt damaged and broken because of the ex husband and more recently the ex boyfriend. We clicked straight away and like a whirlwind, have 'ended' up together. We've now been together for 5 weeks, but it feels for both of us, more like 3 months. We've seen so much of each other and for the first two weeks were on the phone every night for between 4 and 6 hours at a time.

Then, last Friday happened. After not having heard anything from Sam for all this time, I received a text. I ignored it. Then another. I ignored that too. Then four others, within the space of an hour. All bitchy, nasty and horrible texts. I spoke to my best friend. She said to ignore them. And then, nothing. Good.

Then today happened. I received a card in the post. A vulgar card. More bitchy and nasty words inside. I don't know what I'm supposed to do? Clearly ignoring Sam has really aggravated him (good!) but receiving this latest correspondence in the post has upset me too, in that it has brought to the surface memories I don't want to think about.

I had serious trust issues anyway before I met Sam. After my experience with Sam, those trust issues are much more pronounced. In fact, today, I caused a minor row with Richard. He had been really busy at work all day and didn't get around to phoning me or texting me. We've not had a day go by like that without some sort of communication. However, the more I thought about it, the more I worked myself up. I came to the conclusion, that now he was starting to play games with me. I concluded that he had not been in contact because he was testing me. Or worse, had become complacent in our 'relationship' and had decided that he didn't need to make the effort anymore with me.

We had arranged this morning that I would pick him up from the train station this evening. I met as arranged. I was cold. Offish. I was fuming inside really. Then it came out. I told him I thought he was playing games. Fucking with my head. He was hurt. We got home. I went upstairs in a 'huff' and he shouted at me. He said he didn't deserve what I'd dished out. He shouted that he should just 'Go Home'. I replied 'So Go Home Then'. Then I laid on my bed and cried. After 10 minutes or so, he came up stairs and cuddled me. We talked. We made up. He didn't know about the card from Sam at that point.

I've been trying to analyse what happened today. For four and a half weeks I have felt like I've been going two steps forward with Richard and one step back. Each step back is me suddenly feeling twitchy and nervy about the speed of the 'relationship' and the amount of attention he has been giving me. I've never had that before. I'm not used to it. I don't know how to handle it. It's always me doing the 'chasing'. Perhaps I question why I even deserved it. Not having heard anything from him today, really made me upset, because it made me realise that actually, I think I'm starting to fall in love with him. So now I feel open, vulnerable and nothing to protect me if the shit hits the fan.

I now see a very gloomy future for me and Richard. I don't think he will be able to put up with these irrational reactions from me for much longer. At the moment, he is still sympathetic to my situation. After all, we've only been together for 5 weeks. But what about in 3 or 4 months time? I suspect he will get tired of it. I suspect he will get frustrated with it. I suspect he will get bored by it. Then he will leave me. Then I will be on my own again. However this time, it will be my own doing.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE THIS ABOUT MYSELF!! I wish I could just go with the flow. I wish I could 'trust' again. I don't doubt his fidelity. I doubt that he won't leave me. Tragic really. He may be the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm going to ruin it.

My friends and family have all told me that I did the right thing. Not only because Sam deserved it, but also, because Mildrid has been 'saved' from this deceit too. However, I have been 'slagged off' left right and centre by Sam's friends - all behind my back of course, but Mildred and my friend Janine have been telling me everything. So I decided to write another letter... (Oh, and just to fill you in, my best friend, Janine, is extremely close friends with George. Sam shares a house with George and his partner - hopefully the letter below will now make a little more sense):-

George

I have been hearing from Mildrid all week about how you have been slating me, telling her this is all my fault and that I'm a bitch. How dare you? I kept your name out of everything for two days, because I recognised that you are Sam's friend and that your allegiance will always lie with him. However, to slate me in the way you have, is an incredulous reaction. After two days of hearing the spiteful things you were saying about me, and after two days of me saying to Mildrid that I was not going to involve you in all this, when she asked me if you knew about Sam's love triangle, I caved in and told her yesterday, that you had known everything all along. I was trying to be mature about your involvement, but clearly, you could not. You dragged yourself into something that had nothing to do with you.

Furthermore, I take exception to you telling Mildrid that my motivation for telling her about me was because I wanted to have Sam for myself. If you bother to read the letter I wrote, (that Mildrid sent to everybody), I think I make it quite clear that this view of yours is not the case. Are you and Sam so egotistical as to think that this was my way of getting him to myself??? I'll make it clear then... this was my way of dumping him in a fashion that would mean it was over between me and him for good. I have tried just ‘dumping' him before. On two occasions in fact, when I also discovered he was lying to me. Once in August and once in November. I have the IM conversations which I saved from both occasions, showing how he begged to come back. Begged me to not finish with him. Told me how he loved me. Told me that I was the only one for him. Like I say, this was the only way. Sam has rocked along his whole life doing as he pleases, hurting people on the way, without any consequences. Not this time. In fact, in November, I warned him that if he lied to me again, I would tell Mildrid everything and show her photos. He replied "Oh, you wouldn't do that to me would you? To meeee?". I replied "Yes I bloody would". So he was warned. He should never have begged me to come back and put me in a position where I had to take the only action he could understand.

Whilst we're on the subject of lies by the way, I am disgusted at your reaction to your very close friend Janine, over her not telling you that Sam was back from France, earlier than 4th January. SAM lied to you. Not Janine. Sam knew that Janine was due to have dinner with you on the Tuesday night (which ended up happening on the Saturday night). He asked me to text her. Sam approved the text before I sent it. It read:-

"Sam has asked me to ask you to please not tell George that Sam is back because George still thinks he is in France. Apparently Sam doesn't want grief from George! xxxxxx". Dated 30/12/08.

Sam also said to me that he knew that you would be on your own for New Year's Eve because your partner was still away. Nice friend eh? If I knew Janine was going to be on her own, I would have invited her along to wherever I was going. My friend would have welcomed you at her house. I know of a hundred other lies that Sam has told you, but I need not go into them here, because I think I've established already this week that he is a liar. You have been caught up in his lies too and don't even realise it. He even said to me on Tuesday that he says yes to everybody, including you, but does what he wants in the end anyway. However, your relationship with him is your business. But like I said in my letter to Mildrid, it's easier to direct one's anger at the easy target - me or Janine rather than the actual cause of the problem. That way, you don't have to deal with the fall out and face up to the fact that you have been lied to just as much as me and Mildrid.

I would like to add that I genuinely believed Sam when he told me in OCTOBER that Mildrid knew he had a new girlfriend.  He said she wasn't happy about it, but it was over between them. That is the ONLY reason I continued seeing him. That's why I started my letter "You may know of me or have heard of me" because that's what I truly believed. I thought, that she knew about me and that she was just trying to get Sam back for herself. I understand that, because she was there first. In fact when I told her that, and she said that "You can't take anyone back. They go where they want to go". We were both in shock about how huge and complicated the duplicitous life was that Sam was living. I was his weekday girlfriend. She was his weekend girlfriend. I was the girlfriend he introduced to his work colleagues. She was the girlfriend he introduced to his family. YOU COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP!!!!

Back to the reason I started writing this. I expected a more mature response from you. I expected you to support him but not vilify me in the process. I didn't think you were such a coward as to be so spiteful behind my back. Mildrid and I (not sure you are aware) have talked for hours and hours about all this. She's even came to my house. We became allies because of what was done to BOTH OF US by SAM. We are TWO victims here. Mildrid is not angry at me. Mildrid is grateful to me. You probably don't believe me, so I have attached and e-mail from her to me and also a WAV file - it's the voice mail message she left me yesterday, saying thank you to me and how grateful she is to me for telling her. So if Mildrid is not angry with me, you have no right to be either.

To tell Mildrid that ‘I've upset her' and ‘I've devastated her', when we all know that Sam created this rod for his own back, is ludicrous and everybody who I have told agrees with me. He was warned in November what I would do if he lied to me again. He made his bed. Now he has to lie in it. I am an independent woman. I do not answer to you or anybody else. Is that clear? So if you have anything to say, have the guts to say it to my face, and stop behaving like a child. Otherwise shut up and continue to support your friend. God knows he needs it right now. 

Monna

I felt a lot better after having sent it. I haven't heard anything, so perhaps he's finally decided to stay out of it once and for all. The sad thing is that George has fallen out big time with Janine - they have been friends for around 15 years. However, Janine said she couldn't stand the venomous way George was talking about me to her any longer and told him so. He sent her a text saying something like "It's a shame it's come to this. You've obviously got issues you need to deal with" . I've told her I'm so sorry that this has affected her. I never ever thought it would or could. She says she's fine about his because he's proved himself to be a complete asshole and this (apparently) isn't the first time. However, it still shouldn't have affected her.

Although I felt great after writing it, I still managed to cry myself to sleep last night. I should never have looked at the photos of me and Sam together before turning out the lights...

Ok. So I was crap. I confronted my boyfriend about the fact that I found out he was seeing his ex girlfriend. He swore blind to me that it was only to get some of his stuff back from her. He told me that she knew that he had a new girlfriend. He begged me to come back. Told me he loved me. Told me that I was the only one for him. I wanted to believe him so much, because I felt so much for him, that I decided to continue. Things were going really well and we even went away for a couple of days to a health spa just before Xmas. We spent the week together between Xmas and New Year and he spent New Year's Eve with me and my kids - we all went to a friend of mine's house. Really nice night. He is from France originally and often goes there to visit his parents etc. and had told all this friends that he was in France till 4th January. But he was with me.

I had the doubts niggling me though. I recognised them because of what I went through with my ex husband. The only way to find out for sure was to get into his e-mails. So I put a trap on my computer, because whenever he gets the chance, he's always on it. If I go to have a bath for example, he's on it and then switches off when I come back downstairs - yes, I know, very suspicious. I managed to get all his passwords and started logging on to see what was going in and out of his e-mail accounts. Nothing sinister at first, although, a couple of innocuous messages from his ex girlfriend, but no signs that they were seeing each other in 'that' way.

He left my house on Sunday 4th January. On Monday I went to work and then had a work meeting that evening. I was out till late and got home about 10.30pm. I was really tired, but thought I'd just have a quick look at his e-mails. OMG - she'd sent him a new e-mail. It was for a hotel in France. Booked for the end of January. Booked in her name. For the two of them. The room was booked with a double bed. I also found out that after having left my house on the 4th, he went straight round to hers! I BLOODY KNEW IT!!!! So now what? I genuinely believed him when he told me that she knew she had a new girlfriend (i.e. me). I just thought that she was trying to get him back. I understand that, because after all, she was there first. I'd try to finish with him in November (and in August too, when I discovered he was lying about something to me) but he'd always 'charm' his way back into my life. So I needed to do something to finish it for good.

I wrote her a letter. I called her at work at 4pm on Tuesday and read it to her. Here is the letter (I have changed the names for anonymity):-

Dear Mildrid

My name is Monna. You may know of me, or have heard of me, although we have never met. I'm saved as 'Morris' on Sam's mobile phone. I'm Sam's girlfriend and have been for nearly seven months now. However, I suspect that after you have read this, I won't be for much longer.

Sam and I first met at George's 40th birthday party two years ago, although we actually only started seeing each other when I met him at my birthday night out that George organised, in June, last year. I'd like to say at this juncture  that I didn't know he had a girlfriend. It wasn't until a few days later that I found out. When l found out about you, Sam told me it wasn't serious between you two and you'd only been seeing each other a few months. It  was another month before I learned that you'd actually been together for about a year and that it was quite serious between you - certainly from your point of view at least. By then however, for me, it was too late, because I'd become quite fond of him. I don't know if you remember much about July last year? You may well remember not seeing him very much at all? It was because he'd spent nearly every night at my house. In fact, it was around that time I gave him the 'Mr Happy' toy that sits on the dashboard in his car.  We discussed you at that time and he led me to believe that your relationship together had no future. That information, coupled with the fact that he was spending so much time with me, led me to believe that he and I had 'something' together. I feel it important to share this with you because hopefully you will realise that I was duped and did not intend on ever 'stealing' someone else's boyfriend.

It was around September/October time that you split up. I was told of an incident at his house where the split happened. Afterwards I felt more secure in my relationship with him - which, in hindsight, was a mistake on my part.

I used to ask him if you were still in contact with him and he always said no. I remember thinking at the time that that was strange, because I know that a long term relationship  rarely ends so 'cleanly'. In November, I discovered that he'd seen you a few times and I confronted him about it. He said he just had to get some of his stuff back from you etc. I explained that I had no problem with you both meeting for such things. I also said I had no problem with you both being in contact with each other - like friends. After all, you have history together and despite what has happened between you both, I know he holds you in high regard. You probably know how often he and Elena [ed: another of his ex-girlfriends] are texting/IM'ing each other and how affectionate they are to each other, with their pet names for each other etc. That's just Sam. What I objected to, was being lied to about it.

So why am I writing this to you? Certainly not to make you upset or angry and I am sincerely sorry if that is the side effect you experience, once you've read this. If so, perhaps it should be directed at Sam. Of course, that's your business. The reason is because I have just discovered that you are seeing each other again and are more than just friends. This means he's undoubtedly lying to you too. For example, he didn't come back from France on Sunday 4th Jan (when he saw you), he had been with me for a week including spending  New Year's Eve together. Last night Sam stayed over and I asked him if I could trust him. He said yes and he wouldn't lie to me anymore. Clearly he cannot be trusted. He did ask me to go to France with him the week after next, but when I asked him about going with him on his trip at the end of January as well, he said no because he wanted to spend some time alone with his sister. I think we both know that actually, me joining him on that trip would present him with a slight conflict of interest at the least and a logistical nightmare at the most of how to manage 'both' his 'girlfriends' in the same place, at the same time.  I won't go into anymore details because I'm sure I have made my point about Sam and do not wish to labour it any further.

I have asked Sam if you know he has a new girlfriend and he said you did. I imagine you might have heard about 'the girl' Sam was with at Arthur's 40th from your work colleagues who were also there. However, I suspect that the chances of you knowing that it was serious between me and him, or anything else I have written here, are slim to none. I have thought very carefully about whether I should tell you any of this, but from what I understand about you, you are serious about Sam and eventually want to settle down and have kids etc. I know that if I was planning to spend my life with someone, I would want to know 'them' and not just what they choose to 'show me' about themselves.

You will at least be able to make a fully informed decision, rather than one based on a catalogue of lies being fed to you on, probably, a daily basis.

Now, I could be completely wrong about the nature of your relationship with Sam, and although my instincts tell me otherwise, if I am wrong and you are just friends then I'm sorry. However, either way, I can't go through any more lying from him, even if you are just friends (not because you're friends, but because of the lies).

Likewise, on the small chance that I could be completely wrong about all of this and you do know everything about me and my relationship with Sam, then I'm sorry for writing to you like this. If however, your instincts have been eating you up like they have, me, then I am genuinely sorry for all this. I'm sorry for getting involved with him, and indirectly hurting you in the process.

You probably hate me right now and I suppose, I don't blame you. It's always easier to direct one's anger at an easy target, rather than the cause and deal with the issues at hand. As I said before, it's your business what emotions you direct and where. I imagine that you never want to have anything to do with me. However, you may reach a point, whether it be sooner or later, where you might feel you want to meet me to discuss all this more. After all, you don't know me and may just want to establish a few details for yourself. Or, you may just want to talk to someone who seems to have a huge amount in common with you - not just Sam, but the fact that you have been lied to too.

Right now however, I suspect that you hope I feel as badly as you may be feeling right now. Please have solace in the fact that I do. I am angry, humiliated and hurt.

Monna.

Well, the shit well and truly hit the fan. Mildrid and I spent many hours on the phone for two days and she even came over to my house to 'see all the evidence'. This was bigger than I ever could have possibly imagine. Not only did she know nothing about me, or a 'new girlfriend' etc. but he was leading a completely double life. I was his weekday girlfriend, she was his weekend girlfriend. I was the girlfriend he introduced to his work colleagues. She was the girlfriend he introduced to his family. You couldn't make this up!!!! She confronted him on the phone about it all when she was at my house. HE WAS STILL DENYING IT. Even though she was looking at photos of us together, gifts he'd given me. It turns out that he gave us the same heart necklaces for Xmas! After 20 minutes, he admitted it to her.

So what now? Well, although she left a really nice voicemail on my mobile phone the other day to say thank you to me and that she was grateful, because now she can move on and not spend the rest of her life with a scumbag (her words), I have been vilified by him and his friends. They have called me a bitch. They have asked 'how could I have done this' 'how could I have caused all this misery' etc. I felt really very good about it all for the first couple of days. I felt in control. I felt like I had kicked him where it would hurt. The adrenaline has kept me going all week. Then last night it all hit me. I realised that I was a victim too. I was lied to too. I was two timed too. I've seen e-mails from Sam to Mildrid saying how sorry he is for all of this. He'll "always hold a place in his heart for her" (I've had that one too in the past from him, incidentally) and that I'm a bitch for doing this to her.

I've heard it so much from his friends this week that I'm a bitch, that I'm feeling really low about it all. I did this to finish it with him in a way that would make it impossible for him to crawl back into my life. I also wanted him to realise that he couldn't just 'rock along' in his life, hurting people all around him and not have to deal with any of the consequences himself. I'm not used to getting slated like this, because I'm a nice person. My friend's are being very supportive to me and are there for me, but I'm suddenly feeling very alone. I'm not happy. I'm sitting here writing this and watching Love Actually (for the 350th time)because I need a good cry so...

I have been dating a guy for 5 months. We met at a party and he's a friend of a friend. We 'hit it off' instantly, but about a week later, I found out he was already going out with another girl for about a year. It was only supposed to be a bit of fun so although I was upset, I decided that it was only a bit of fun so what harm would it do? Over the next couple of months, he told me that he wasn't happy with her because she wanted to settle down and have kids etc. However, that was the last thing he wanted to do and eventually, they broke up.

He and I have had our ups and downs, but about a month ago, he said he wanted to take things more seriously with us. By this time, I had become quite attached to him and was happy. I have asked him periodically if he has seen his ex at all and he said that no and there's not been any contact between them. I found this quite odd, because they were together for a year and I had heard from a friend that at the time of their break up, she was devastated. However, I accepted it.

I have been suspicious though. Particularly in the last couple of weeks or so. He has 'worked late' a lot (never done so before) and last weekend, he'd said that he should be able to come over to me on Tuesday (12th November). On Monday though, we spoke and he said that he had to work late and wouldn't be able to make it. Last night, he left his phone lying around and I couldn't resist the urge to try and grab an opportunity to have a look through it. About half an hour ago in fact.

All his sent items are deleted, and only a few messages in the inbox remain. One was from his ex. It said 'Sleep well, see you tomorrow. X'. That was on Monday (hence, I suppose why he couldn't make it to see me on Tuesday).

After all the aggravation I experience with my ex husband cheating on me, (see my other blog) I can't believe this has happened again. I know I probably deserve it, because (although I didn't know it at the time) he was with her when we met, I still feel hurt. To be honest, I have enjoyed having the male company around. It's been nice just to have someone's arms around me etc. But it's not real. I realise that now. I know I should dump him and have him out of my life for good, but like I say, I would miss the warmth that he provides when we're together. What should I do?