Divorce - my blog

well, looking forward to new horizons anyway... it's been ages since i've blogged. i'm still in the same house. had accepted an offer in september, but it fell through. had another offer, but they're still trying to sell their house. have another offer, who are also in an incomplete chain! this whole 'getting a completed chain going thing' seems to be dragging and dragging and dragging. it's very frustrating!

i have found a house though. well, a couple of houses actually...

the first option is a nice house in a very nice area, but i'd have to get a fairly biggish mortgage. i have done my budgets and i can afford everything, but it will be tight. i'm self employed and rely on new customers for my business. things have been slow in the last couple of months and i'm not quite doing my 'minimum' in order to afford this first option, and so would have to forgo things like any breaks away or new clothes etc. and that's why this first option is tight. obviously if business picks up (and it has started to in the last couple of weeks), it would be a little easier (but still tight, if that makes sense).

The second option is a house of similar size, but in a cheaper area. the house itself is immaculate and perfect internally, but overlooks warehousing on an industrial estate. however, this option would mean i would be mortgage free and essentially have a much nicer lifestyle e.g. be able to go on nice holidays with the kids and even do things that i've never done before (like get my nails done regularly!) and other nice lifestylish things! ok, ok, this option would mean that i would be able to spoil myself, but after the last year i kinda feel that it might be nice. i'm also very tempted for the simple reason that i'm in my mid-thirties now and sort of feel that at this time in my life and after everything, it might be nice to relax financially.

if you were me, what would you do?

i'm about a month in from having reached agreement on everything. i've worked out that my divorce has cost the pair of us about 5 times what our wedding cost (isn't that ironic!). i have spent the best part of the last year 'at war' with Him. i have demonstrated a side of my personality, i would not wish my worst enemy to have to take from me.

yet now? a month on? it's like it's all forgotten. in the last month, He and i have become friends again, which is great for the children as well as me. i am no longer having sleepless nights and therefore have not had to take a sleeping pill in the last few weeks, i have stopped feeling tense and stressed all the time and i haven't had a headache for ages.

my family is amazed as to why i am being so amicable towards the Ex, after what He has put me through. and all i could say was that it felt right. one thing He and I were, was good friends. we always worked well together on things. He was just a very lousy husband. in my mind, i started to think, 'why should i sacrifice all of the relationship', when there were parts of it that were good (e.g. the friendship part). 9 months ago, i kicked him out, issued divorce proceedings, involved solicitors, BUT all because His extra curricular activities over the years, had made me very ill. it was that part that i could no longer live with. i was left with a husband who i had no trust for, whatsoever.

a month ago, i never thought that i would ever want to be friends again with Him. just the thought of the rows we've had, the worst in my personality He's managed to bring out, the hate in me He's made me feel, the illnesses i have suffered through all the stress. But, now that there is nothing to fight about anymore (i hope!!), the pressure is off. i can relax again. my guard is no longer this protective shield, permanently surrounding me. things feel pretty normal again. i have fought for so long, i'd forgotten what 'normal' was.

i remember saying to friends and family throughout the whole process that this divorce has been the hardest thing i have ever had to do. i have also said (when times were bad and particularly difficult) that if i'd known how hard it was going to be, perhaps i would have thought twice about going through it. so, 9 months on? firstly, i am pleased i have done it! also, it's funny that it's taken about 9 months, because the timing suits very well with the analogy that i'm going to give... childbirth.

everyone who's given birth knows how painful and hard it is. during childbirth, most say that they would never do it again. but isn't it amazing how quickly we 'forget' the pain and perhaps, for many, we go through it all again? now i'm not planning on getting divorced again - EVER!. however, i have definitely started to forget the pain of it. in fact, the pain has disappeared almost completely...in a very short space of time. this is why i suppose, it's become easy to keep the part of my relationship with Him, that was good. i just don't have to live with Him anymore and constantly worry what He's up to. that in itself is a huge relief and a huge weight off my shoulders.

so what now? well, i'm trying to sell my house at the moment - i need to downsize to something for me and my kids. He's buying something not too far away, which is convenient for the children. then i suppose, i'll move on with the rest of my life. something to look forward to...something positive...FINALLY!

i thought i'd be euphoric or something (well, at least relieved), but i'm not. i feel quite numb really. i've been thinking about blogging so much over the last couple of weeks, because so much has happened, however, i have just not had the strength.

we went to court two weeks ago. the purpose of this was to get some direction from the judge in order that we could come to an agreement. however, the offer He gave me was total crap. we all spent half a day in court and it was a complete waste of time (and money, which i have to say at this stage, the costs of this divorce has spiralled completely out of control and this divorce has ended up costing 5 times the amount we spent on getting married... ironic isn't it?). due to the excessive costs we'd both incurred, i decided that it would be best to try and negotiate with Him directly (without the solicitors). long story short, a few days later, we had the bones of an agreement. the day after, we'd fine tuned some of the detail and were both satisfied.

so, i phoned my solicitor up, explaining what we'd agreed and my solicitor sent His solicitor's a summary of the agreement. then it started. He had sent back a confirmation, but with a few 'extra' bits thrown in. things that would deeply affect my settlement and basically, things we had not agreed. i was furious. i phoned Him up and tried to stay calm, but that lasted all of about 10 seconds and i went ballistic at Him. i was the mad, crazy woman again, like the one i was back in january, when we were trying to reach agreement over the children's arrangements. He hung up on me a couple of times but i must have been raving for quite a while. He eventually backed down and i thought we had come to an agreement again.

then it was the weekend and nothing to do until the solicitors opened again on the monday. monday comes and His solicitor has sent through the final agreement called the 'consent order' to be signed. He promised no more 'surprises' however, when i got it through, things we agreed were missed off and other things we hadn't agreed had been included... AGAIN!

i can't tell you how shattering this was. it was like He was building me up and then beating me down again, 3 or 4 times over and over again that week. well, i was the mad woman once again... it's unbelievable how divorce brings the ABSOLUTE WORST aspects of your personality out. i hate being like that. i hate being forced into a position where i have to be like that. i hate being made to feel like that. it's not me. i'm nice really. but i have had to fight so hard throughout this whole process...

one night last week, He'd come round to 'discuss' it again. He was still trying to go back on what we'd agreed a week before. so again, i went completely mental, but in His presence this time, as opposed to on the phone. He left and i collapsed. i was so ill because of it, i ended up with a migraine and was physically sick after He'd gone.

i was lying on the couch, feeling sick, my head pounding, and i was crying incessantly. i couldn't move or do anything. fortunately, my parents had phoned and heard the state i was in and came round immediately. they 'put me to bed', and after a brandy, a sleeping pill and a dose of night nurse, i woke up the next day feeling a bit better (although, a bit groggy!).

a couple of days went by and finally on friday He agreed and His solicitor sent over the correct consent order to sign. however, due to all the aggravation He'd put me through, it didn't feel like a momentous occasion or anything, because i had spent the week fighting with Him, just to agree what we'd agreed a couple of weeks before. He'd worn me out completely. He'd made me physically and mentally exhausted. He'd made me ill. was this part of His plan? did He enjoy seeing me like this? did it offer Him some sort of deranged satisfaction or something?

so, like i said at the start. i just feel numb. it doesn't seem real. i've built up my hopes so many times over the last couple of weeks thinking things were sorted, only to have them dashed, and even though it is sorted now (He's signed it), i just feel nothing. He's gone on holiday with the kids this morning for a couple of weeks and i've arranged to go on holiday with a girl friend of mine on friday for a week. i should be really excited about it, but i still feel numb...about everything it seems, even going on holiday...

this whole divorce process seems to be taking so long. i'm naturally quite an impatient person and i seem to have been waiting for Him to get His act together throughout this whole process. waiting for Him to submit information (of which much were lies); waiting for Him to answer questions; waiting for Him to submit more information (of which there were still inaccuracies); waiting for Him to answer more questions.

throughout all, He was supposed to be making me an 'offer' of settlement. this has been going on for months. the closest i have reached is when He said 'we'll be sending you an offer by the end of next week'. that was three weeks ago. no offer arrived.

i have had a date in court booked, just in case things dragged on, but never thought they would drag on to this extent. i thought He would do His best to avoid going to court and settle before hand. the thing is, is that our court date is next tuesday. and still no settlement. He told me He is in disagreement with His solicitor as to what the offer should be...! 

i am meeting my barrister on friday, with my lawyer to go through things. more expense. more money. if He'd just settled months ago, or at least started making offers so we could eventually settle, we could have saved a lot of time and money. too late to change course now. i hope i've done the right thing...

had to share this...too good not to...

since break up with the 'new' man, have been logging on to the dating web site again. back on the horse and all that (still miss 'new' man though...). anyway, looking through my 'matches' that the website generates and you will never guess who's been matched to me...

go on, guess...

my ex husband!!!!!!!!

hysterical!

His profile is AWFUL! all about Him, what He likes and wants... nothing about what He can offer or share with someone (typical!), even how He likes His tea and coffee!!!! it's like He wants the women to know, so they can fetch Him a cuppa!!!! also, He wants someone sexy.... ahhh... bless....

Puke!!

Ahh, so brightened up my day :) :)