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update

it's been a while.  i'm still not fully divorced.

things got nasty there in the middle.  the man wants to remarry and has decided with the woman that they'd actually like quite a lot of the stuff from my house.  this doesn't surprise me as they also quite like to upset me at every opportunity and tell me what a big loser i am, etc.

no matter, we're on the home straight.  the decree absolute will be winging it's way to me in days and then he'll be long gone.  good riddance.

 

 

oh no you don't, mate

i've been nothing but civil and composed to him.  i've not slagged him off or abused him in any way.  grace under pressure has been my motto.

i was rather alarmed to find a letter from my solicitor this morning asking me to confirm the attached information.  he'd sent my solicitor an email to say that the divorce wasn't going quickly enough and that there shouldn't be any need for me to 'drag my feet' as we'd already sorted out how things would be settled, namely that he got half of everything i had and his stuff remains in tact!

erm, no! 

the deal was that one took the savings and one stayed in the house with the furnishings.  that's as far as the arrangement went.  now he wants me to sell the house, my car and all of the furnishings and give him half.

again with the no.

solicitor appointment made.  heckles up.  claws out.  ready to fire on all cylinders.

'friends' my arse

time waits for no (wo)man

so it's almost a year. there's a few weeks left until it becomes a whole 52 weeks of being single.

and you know what? i'm happier than i've ever been. don't misunderstand me, there have been some very dark days and immensely hard times, but ultimately, leaving the man was the best decision i ever made.

i found an old diary a few weeks ago, detailing the end of july last year. it made very interesting reading:

"if this is all i have to look forward to for the rest of my life then i'd rather be single. he told me he hated me today and that i was the worst thing to ever happen in his life. in the next breath he asked me if i wanted to reconfirm our wedding vows as we'll have be married for ten years soon. is he crazy? is it any wonder that my confidence is on the floor? surely there's more to life than being too scared to come home?"

it's a year of being a singleton. there's no new person, nor is there likely to be any time soon. i'm not very willing to jump back in just yet. i'm enjoying spending time alone, spending time with family and friends. i'm enjoying not having to ask permission and always being told of my mistakes as if i'd committed some heinous crime. i've been out a few times, chatted to some guys, but i don't want to get back into dating. it's just not me, if it even ever was. if something happens, so be it, but i'm certainly not going out of my way to find it.

and so i say that i'm getting there. i really think i am.

well, it's been a while

i'm still here, in the backgorund, wondering what to make of this jumble that has become my life.

i've been so incredibly busy with other stuff that the divorce has gone on the back burner for a while, which is no bad thing because it's helped me to fully explore my feelings about it.

with the other things going on in my life, being divorced has dropped a long way down in the list of 'things to worry about'. so what if i'm single?  so what if the man doesn't love me anymore?  it doesn't mean i will always be single.  it doesn't mean i am unloveable.  it just means that we weren't right any more.

one of the hardest things i'm having to deal with is comments from people i don't see very often.  they inevitably ask the question i dread:

"so, are you seeing anyone else yet?"

why does that question make me feel like such a failure?  

my life has been a bumbling mess to date and i'm using this time to finally take control and make some positive changes in my life.  why on earth would i jump back into another relationship and force my emotional instability upon someone else?

even close friends ask.  it's nearly been a year, see. but then i was never that girl who needed a boyfriend.  it was always nice to have one, but it didn't complete me and make me feel whole or any such rubbish.

i'm currently getting the house valued and sorting out the mortgage to see if i can cope with paying the whole thing on my own.  next step is paying him off, though why i have to pay him so much and give him such a huge chunk of my pension when he was the unfaithful one is beyond me... 

 

rebelious

i was resigned to the fact that i was going to have to sell the house and move on to somewhere far smaller and possibly rented.

but

i awoke the other day feeling quite militant.  why on earth should i?  i didn't start this!  it was the man's indifference.

i have an appointment with the solicitor on wednesday to work out a way around it.  i'm hoping there's something i can do, like buy him out or hire carrie fisher to take him out with a bazooka or something... 

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