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Homecoming Queen

Cross-posted from http://www.moobz.com/

Haroo and Huzzah, P is coming home this evening after spending a few days in Scotland with her family. It will be lovely to see her again for many many reasonas but one is that the house has begun to scare me. It just seems to have stopped working properly.

Normally, if I drop my clothes in a pile by the side of the bed, they are whisked away to the washing machine and re-appear in the cupboard nice and clean and freshly-pressed. I have to confess to having no idea how this works but it is plainly a triumph of modern house-building technology.

But when I woke this morning there were my previous day's boxers sat a-crumpled and unappetising by the bedside still. Imagine my consternation when I found that the plates and glasses I had left on the kitchen table last night WERE STILL THERE. There has obviously been a system failure of some kind but I simply cannot work out how to re-boot the house. I'm sure P will have the manual somewhere. She is always really good at knowing where things have been tidied away to.

Brother Moobs

Casting out Sinners since 1635!

Dearest Brother Moobs,

Recently my brother died. Frankly, given what it must have been like living with my Sister-in-Law I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did. Now the old trout tells me that since she has no children it is up to me to ... well ... impregnate her. This is not a task I relish. Surely I don't have to do this?

Yours shuddering

Brother Onan

Dear Vile Serpent

Stop your complaining and perform your duty. I should warn you that should you be imprudent enough to allow your seed to fall upon the ground you may confidently expect immediate and fatal retribution to be visited upon you.  (Gen 38).

Brother Moobs

 

Dearest Brother Moobs

Thank you for your earlier advice, it accords with my wife's wishes. Given that my sister-in-law is my wife's sister I would have thought she'd be against it but I could never fathom women.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Brother Onan

 

Oh Sinner,

As scripture makes clear, you should not take your sister's wife as a rival wife and have sexual relations with her while your wife is living (Leviticus 18, v 18). Such intercourse would be unlawful.

Brother Moobs

 

Dearest Brother Moobs

I would be very grateful if you could make your mind up. Do I have to sleep with the old witch or not?

Brother Onan

 

Brother

This is a tricky one. I can see solutions. First, the prohibition on sleeping with your wife's sister applies only while your wife is living. Should your wife meet with an accident and perish you would be free to do God's will and escape damnation (just a thought). On the other hand, if your sister-in-law really is an "old witch" kindly deliver her to me and I will organise a trial and burning which, I anticipate, will resolve your dilemma.

Brother Moobs

Do you have a problem for Brother Moobs?

Brother Moobs Returneth

He's back - the man who rids Advice of its vice.

Dearest Brother Moobs,

Returning from the field I lay with my wife. I discovered that she was gripped by the uncleaness of her monthly period. What should I do?

Dear Brother,

First your sexual relations were UNLAWFUL (Lev 18 v. 19). Indeed, t'was unlawful even to approach your wyf to couple. You are now unclean and shall remain so for 7 days (Lev 15 v. 24). Do not touch your children and try to eat with your feet.

Dearest Brother Moobs

I came home last night and found my dad had eaten the Spicy Tomato Pot Noodle I had been looking forward to all blasted week. I told him he was an addle-pated oaf. What punishment awaits him?

Oh vile serpent,

You have cursed your father and must die (Lev 20 v. 9).

Dearest Brother Moobs

My Son has grown a moustache and wears leather chaps for no apparent reason. He spends his Saturday evenings in somewhere called "Heaven" (which is a comfort) with his male friends. However, his room is suspiciously tidy. I am very worried.

Dear Sister

Young men of your son's age are just coming to terms with their identities. He will awash be with hormones. You will need to be sensitive. Try to encourage the interest in horse riding that his chaps clearly indicate. If his companions make such an effort to get him into Heaven you have nothing to fear. You are lucky he has found such upstanding young men to spend his time with.

Do you have a problem for Brother Moobs?

Beaver and Steve

For those of you who still don't spend your days obsessively refreshing the home page at Beaver and Steve - go there NOW. It makes me laugh. Not just smirk or nod knowingly but laugh out loud in a colleague-disturbing sort of way. I even own a T-shirt. I have found it positively inspirational and have drawn subtley on its influence for my own new strip: the hilarious Badger and Dave:

Gouge Away

Let me begin by saying that Children With Leukaemia is an excellent charity. I ran for them in last year's London Marathon and found their organisation to be entirely without equal. However, what the fsck do they think they are doing sending me this (me with my weak heart and all)?

An evening with Jeremy Beadle and Su Pollard? Gouge out my eyes. No wait ... who's this? Isn't it mystifyingly self-satisified Dave Lee Travis? And Dot Cotton from Eastenders? If only Booby Davro were here .. no no wait there he is next to Chris fucking Tarrant. Surely if you wanted anyone to turn up for your celebrity bash you'd keep these teatime celebrities' identity a carefully guarded secret.

Otherwise you'd get killed in the rush. Imagine Paul "wherever I hang my hat - that's a hook" Young crooning sweetly to Birds of a Fevver's Linda Robson to the sweet jazz stylings of Messrs Kenny Lynch and Rick Wakeman. Kill me now.

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