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Deathblog grudge match Round II

The first round is complete with the following sad no hopers placed as winners.  I find it hard to believe as well but popularity will tell in the end.

Paris Hilton
vs    ------------------------------- Paris Hilton
Pete Doherty

Britney Spears
vs   ------------------------------- Britney Spears
Nicole Richie

Jonas Armstrong
vs   ------------------------------- Jonas Armstrong
Chippy's arsehole landlord GBH

Mas' Cheese and Pickle sandwich
vs   ------------------------------- Mas' Cheese and Pickle sandwich
David Guest

Basic rules can be found here.

The next round of battle will therefore be between the following victims contestants:

Paris Hilton
vs   
Britney Spears

Jonas Armstrong
vs  
Mas' Cheese and Pickle sandwich

The first bout will be between Paris Hilton and Britney Spears as soon as I can set it up.

Current mood: Meanie


Mas' Cheese and Pickle sandwich vs David Guest

Mas' Cheese and Pickle sandwich

Over the last few centuries there has been a great deal of debate over what constitues the perfect sandwich.  There have been wars fought over slices of ham or how thick to cut the cheese,  Granary bread producers grew fat on their profits while Branston Pickle tree growers starved.

Farmers up and down the country milked cows and strained cheese just to get the right tang of the perfect cheese lest their evil overlords crush them underfoot.  Great factories arose across the nation to package the produce ofthe land so that it could be made into the perfect sandwich.

Arising from these generations of toil came the perfect sandwich.  Made by Mas in the late months of 2006 in an effort to end the ceaseless war his Cheese and Pickle creation now steps into the ring to do battle in the Platform 27 Deathblog Grudge Match

David Gest

Facing Mas' Cheese and Pickle sandwich in battle is another cheesy creation, "celebrity" twat David Gest. 

A former gurner Gest is reported to have undergone radical plastic surgery when a paparatzi apparently compared him to rubber faced actor Jack Klugman, star of TV's Quincy.  Now unable to blink Gest's reputation has soared in professional staring contest circles.

David Gest recently appeared on ITV1's I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here! According to either Ant or Dec (I'm not sure which is which) Gest was a perfect candidate for the show because of his "celebrity" status.  When quizzed further he (Ant or Dec) responded with his tradmark Geordie twank, "He's a reet twat, femous fir nowt". Althoguh Ant or Dec can speak proper English he often plays up his regional accent for theatrical effect.

Let the combat begin.  BRING IT ON!

 

Current mood: Meanie


Jonas Armstrong vs Chippy's arsehole landlord GBH

Jonas Armstrong

Hoodie Jonas Armstrong has been working for the BBC as part of an ASBO following an incident in Boots involving theft of rubber gloves and vaseline.  According to BBC sources Armstrong was the only actor willing to take on the role of Robin Hood after seeing the scripts.  If was only the prior commitments of Norman Wisdom on a cruise ship caberet show that allowed young Jonas the part.

As part of the terms of his ASBO Jonas Armstrong has had to have his charisma removed for the role.  Fellow actor Keith Allen had the following to say: "Kill the little bastard.  It's the only way I'm going to get our of this fucking contract.  Can you believe the Beeb are making me do a second series."

Cose friend and confidente, Sam Troughton who plays Much in the series initially refused to comment but, when pressed, let slip his lingering resentment for his fellow star, "I was in Alien vs Predator.  I've been in a proper hollywood movie. Why did they give him the starring role?  I hope Chippy's arsehole landlord takes his head off."

Chippy's arsehole landlord GBH

Dispite refusing to pose for promotional photographs for the Death Blog Grudge Match this image was found after careful and painstaking research.  You'll note the distinctive features of the typical slum landlord:

• Abundant nasal hair
• Large snout
• Long and sturdy fingers suitable for bodging repair jobs
• Overhanging beer belly
• Beedy eyes
• Pointed ears
• Strange, uncombed hair

Essentially this chap is a money grabbing git who refuses to perform essential repairs on Chippy's home.  Inventive tortures are really the order of the day.

Now BRING IT ON!

Current mood: Meanie


Britney Spears vs Nicole Richie

Britney Spears

Innocent and sweet Little Britney Spears began her career with Disney's Mickey Mouse Club as backup singer to equally sweet and innocent Miss Christina Aguilera.  Unfortunately Little Britney had to leave the Mickey Mouse Club after in came to light that she had been playing Doctors and Nurses with sick pervert Justin Timberlake.

Britney was forced to move back home to her parent's caravan in Brentwood, Louisianna where her construction worker father tried to sell her off as marriageable material.  Eventually she married Jason Allen Alexander in a Vegas Strip club and then Kevin Federline who she produced two children with.  Both marriages ended in divorce and she is now seeing that nice heiress, Paris Hilton.

When notified of her nomination for the Death Blog Grudge Match she had this to say: "Oh, my golly gosh, whatever is that? Well ah sure do wish the best fer mah opponent."

Nicole Richie

Californian clothes horse Nicole Richie first shot to fame when it came to light that her biological father was a drummer on tour with Lionel Richie.  She was adopted by Lionel Richie after his marriage broke up but if he were ever to pop his clogs it is assured that her godfather, Michale Jackson, would be happy to look after her....povided she wasn't too old by then.

Rich Bitch Paris Hilton has publicly mocked young Nicole for "having no class and being a bit fat" but when questioned the actress\singer said "fucking cow wouldn't know class if it bit her on the bum.  She's had plastic surgery you know."

She has recently been in trouble with the law and was caught drink driving in the nude and was arrested for flashing her tits on stage at a fashion show.  What a slag!

Upon hearing that she would be combating Britney Spears she was shocked. "If she's going where I've gone before then I feel sorry for her.  That Paris may look sweet but she's a hard taskmistress.  I could take her though"

We shall see.  Bring it on!

Current mood: Meanie


Paris Hilton vs Pete Docherty

Paris Hilton

Made famous for sucking some bloke off for $10 in a seedy hotel this "actress" has repeatedly been seen in the popular press flashing her clam and staring vacantly into space.  Curiously the public don't seem to have grown tired enough of her to have the lynched or burned at the stake but time will tell.

An "interesting" fact about Paris Hilton is that she is that she isn't really green.  In this promotional photograph she is actually rehearsing for the role in the upcoming film of Marvel's She-Hulk.

Paris says that she wants to win the Deathmatch so that she can finally afford to share an apartment with her long time lover Britney Spears.  Of course if she wins then Britney will be dead but she's too thick to realise that.  Bless. 

Pete Doherty

Fucked up junkie Pete Doherty is most famous for being off his tits most of the time on one kind of illegal substance or another.  Did I get fame like this during my late teens and early twenties?  Bollocks did I.

He is also famous for bedding stringy minger Kate Moss.  If these two fuglies ever reproduce I strongly suggest sorting out a decent dentist for the poor kid.  Oh, and some foster parents because they'll both be found dead in some stinking bedsit before the decade is out.

I mean, what do you expect the son of a pikey turned squaddie to turn out like anyway?

This particular portrait of Mr Doherty (known as Pikey Pete to close friends) features him in the throws of a drug induced ecstasy.  Just say NO, kids.

Oh, apparently he sings or something.  At least according to the Internet. I expect it means he's a busker in the Underground.  Well, it beats selling the Big Issue I suppose.

So, which of these messed up losers should win in a fight between them?  I'm expecting some hair pulling and some sweaty falling about from both sides.  Paris Hilton or Pikey Pete?  You decide.

BRING IT ON!

Current mood: Meanie

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