---

Testing testing

Tap tap. 1 2. 1 2

*sings*

We're forever blowing bubbles
Pretty bubbles in the air

*stops singing*

Yeah, seems to be working.

Have I mentioned that I'm in London on next week and that there'll be blog drinks (blinks) on Tuesday at a pub near Waterloo Station?

No?

Go read blinks then.

Current mood: Big-Smiley


Lazy blogging but it's about coffee

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

Current mood: Big-Smiley


London Traffic. Going nowhere.

My first born, Snarly is off to London today on a school trip.  The highlight of the trip is a spin on the London Eye.  Woo hoo.  I hope they do something good to make up for it.

I'm also off to London next week for three days.  I'm being trained on the more complex aspects of IBM Lotus Domino Design.  Woo hoo again.  No, but I really do need a skills update.

I'm planning on catching the train at stupid o'clock in the morning in the hope that I might avoid a big chunk of the daily commute.  At least I'm hoping that no-one will try to sit on me before we pass Petersfield.  If there is anything in the world that I dislike it is enforced contact with the human race.  I don't mind certain individual humans but squeeze them into a train carriage like sardines in a tin and I might just come over all homicidal.

I have several tactics to keep people away from me while I'm on the train.

1. Broadsheet.  A copy of the Guardian and my pointy elbows should scare a few commuters off to safer locations.
2. Bag.  An old tactic but still valid.  I plan to sit on the aisle seat and put my bag on the window seat.  This will indicate that I wish to sit alone.  Better yet, I'll sit at a table in the aisle seat and put by bag opposite on the seats.  Anyone who wants me to move my bag will receive a full blown tut and some serious grumping.
3. Feet.  Similar to the bag tactic for sitting at a table but it has the added advantage of leaving mud ont he seat to further discourage anyone from sitting down.
4. Eye contact.  I know it is strictly against commuter etiquette but I may be forced to look people in the eye if they get too close.  That should scare them away.
5. Talking.  A risky tactic but it often pays off.  If anyone comes too close I can start chatting away to them like they're old family friends.  It's risky because rather than running for it they might join in the deception and then I'll be forced to maintain it to over an hour.
6. Bad odor.  Difficult to fake but an unwashed body trapped on a train for an hour and a half can deter even the most determined commuter.  Flatulence is also an option but many who travel the underground have become immune.
7. Nose picking.  A last resort but one I might be willing to resort to if people get too close.

Given the cramped conditions of modern trains I expect that none of these tactics will work.  In which case I'll take a book and read quietly.

Ho hum.

Anyone fancy meeting me in London next week for a pint after work?  I promise not to do any of the things above.

Current mood: Big-Smiley


Seriously

As my serious blog was so popular yesterday I thought I'd try another one today.  Be warned though as I may deliberately be courting controversy just to get attention.

There has been a recent glut of articles about abortion on the papers and I was wondering what your opinions were on the matter.

There are generally two sides to the abortion argument.  One is pro-life that supports the rights of the foetus to be born and the other is pro-choice that supports the rights of the mother to terminate the pregnancy.  Taken to extremes these opposing ideologies have seen abortion clinics picketed and women harassed for making their choice and they have seen babies terminated for no better reason than their gender.

My own opinion is slightly in the pro-life camp.  Not to the extent of screaming abuse at some poor confused teenager or lecturing people about the joys of life.  I'm not that much of a freak.  No, I'm not.  Given the choice I would prefer that all pregnancies are carried to term unless it presents a danger to the mother.  Paradoxically I support a woman's right to choose whether or not to terminate but I would prefer that they keep the baby.

Obviously this will annoy some people.  How can I possibly know what it is like to be pregnant and face a decision that will effect my entire life?  Well I can't.  I can only empathise and carry the logic through but I'll never actually know.

Anyway the current law limits termination at 24 weeks.  Would you support a revision of this to 20 weeks?  Would you increase it to, say, 28 weeks or would you leave it alone?

--EDIT--

I've got something to add.  Something I really should have said but in my haste neglected to.  Men (and I'm one of them) should take more responsibility for contraceptives.  I prefer not to wear a raincoat but if I'm going for a run in the rain I'll wear one.

There are so many condom euphemisms but I like that one the best.

Current mood: Sceptical


Boobs

The 40 somethings in the finance department are talking about having breast enlargement cosmetic surgery.  For some reason I find this very unsettling.  I read in the Sunday Times that cosmetic surgery has increased by 35% last year.  It is now possible to have laser liposuction in your lunch hour. 

Speaking as a bloke I must say that I prefer people to have a more natural physique.  The flaws in a person's body are part of that person and I personally wouldn't want to remove anything from my own body.  Repairing damage to skin or injured flesh is a different matter as is the correction of certain birth defects that effect a person's quality of life (I'm thinking of hair lips and club feet). 

I think that our national obsession with the perfect body and the success of certain artifically enhanced models like Katy Price isn't a good thing.  I think it is deluding young people into parting with money to fix something that really isn;t broken.

Anyway what's your opinion on cosmetic surgery?

Current mood: Sceptical


Feeling low

I managed to miss my first blog birthday over as 20sux on Friday.  I was planning to have a big party with cake and balloons and cheese on sticks but instead I spent the day building computers and moving furniture.  I'm a bit sad because I managed to attract precisely no visitors to my blog on this anniversary.  That's right: zero visitors.

This means that nobody popped by to see how I was, nobody was interested in what I had to say and nobody cared what I was up to.  That was over there and I think if there is any reason to delete a blog it's when nobody reads it. Including me.  Maybe everyone was sick of all my negativity about the change of platform.  I dunno.

In other news: today (25 June) would have been The Old Dear's birthday.  My brother was supposed to come down from Milton Keynes to visit her grave and we were going to take the families out for the day.  Unfortunately his heartless bosses have decided that he is required to work and cannot have any time off.  He works for a well known pub chain and there is some shitty football match or something so he can't have time off.  His two bosses can but he can't.  Wankers.

Plus Hildy is in a grouch so some reason and is snapping at everyone.  She yelled at the kids for not tidying up their rooms and used the phrase "why don't you tidy up unless I scream like a banshee at you".  Luckily I was on hand to explain that a banshee was a type of ghost whose mournful keening fortold death.  Also I took the rubbish out.

Other than that I had a good time with the kids at the Strawberry Fair which I'll blog about at another time.

Current mood: Sad


The more things change the more they stay the same.

The firewall has been playing silly buggers all afternoon.

Not only have I had no Internet connection but I've been forced to work to fix it.

Still it makes a change, me having to work.

But when do I fix it?  10 minutes after everybody goes home, that's when.  So no praise for me there.

The more things change the more they stay the same.

Ho hum.  I'm off home too.  I need to get home so that The Hildy and I can "keep our relationship vibrant" after the kids are in bed.

Tee hee.

Current mood: Big-Smiley


The Seven Heavenly Virtues

Tagged by Heather

Chastity (Latin, virtus) (courage, purity, opposes lust, Latin luxuria) -
Courage and boldness. Embracing of moral wholesomeness and achieving purity of thought through education and betterment.

I'm not off to a good start here.  I suffer terribly from impure thoughts every few seconds and have the moral strength of something very weedy.  No ticks here.

Abstinence (Latin, frenum) (self-control, opposes gluttony, Latin gula) -
Constant mindfulness of others and one's surroundings; practicing self-control, abstention, and moderation.

Oh dear.  I enjoy experiencing things far too much and often eat or drink (or both) till I'm fit to burst.  I'm also about as mindful of others as a large and very thick skinned blind rhinoceros.  No ticks here either.

Diligence (Latin, industria) (ethics, opposes sloth, Latin acedia) -
A zealous and careful nature in one's actions and work. Decisive work ethic.

Oh frag, I'm lazy as well.  I happen to think laziness is a good trait in a programmer.  I'd explain more but I ...oh you know the rest.  No ticky ticks for diligence.

Liberality (Latin, liberalitas) (will, generosity, opposes greed, Latin avaritia) -
Generosity. Willingness to give. A nobility of thought or actions.

Well I do try to be generous and to give and to help others but, lets be honest, I'd rather keep it to myself or make sure my kids got it.  So no ticks here either.

Patience (Latin, patientia) (peace, opposes wrath, Latin ira) -
Forebearance and endurance through moderation. Resolving conflicts peacefully, as opposed to resorting to violence.

Finally a virtue I've got.  I may not be great at resolving conflicts between others but I'm perfectly capable of waiting out the other person in a conflict that involves me.  Some would call this trait stubbournness but I'll be waving my little Patience is my Virtue flag from now on.  One tick.  Yay

Kindness (Latin, humanitas) (satisfaction, opposes envy, Latin invidia) -
Charity, compassion, friendship, and sympathy without prejudice.

I'm really fine about showing kindness to strangers and those in need or to showing kindness to those close to me.  However the vast majority of people that I know I form opinions about that really prevent me from becoming their friend.  I'm claiming a half a tick for this.  ti

Humility (Latin, humilitas) (modesty, opposes pride, Latin superbia) -
modest behavior, selflessness, and the giving of respect.

You'd better believe I'm humble. How could anyone as great as me not also be modest and humble as well.  OK, no ticks here either.

One and a half ticks for the Seven Heavenly Virtues.  Arse.  At least I score high on the Seven Deadly Sins though.

If you wanna play then consider yourself tagged.  Like the little taggy thing that you are.

Current mood: Big-Smiley


Father's Day

Sunday being Father's Day I got a day off from cooking and doing housework and instead go to lounge around all day being lazy.

*ahem*

Yes, I had a lazy day and decided to take the kids for a walk down the old Hayling Billy Line.  It's as close as we get to "the country" here as there are real trees and often wild beasts such as cows and ducks. 

 Best of all there is a very shallow stream that is ideal for paddling in.

There is a bridge populated with real trolls

We walked all the way to the harbour and saw some real pirates sailing the seven seas in search of plunder.

On the way home Tiny Tasha played a traditional marching song with the aid of her stick and "walking" shoes.

How was your weekend?

Current mood: Big-Smiley


Depraved Influence

I managed to get a lift to the train station yesterday and caught the 17:44 rather than the usual one I catch an hour later.  This meant that I could spend some quality time with my lovely kids. 

I was filled with anticipation. 

• Would I get to play a game with them on the green?
• Would I get to listen to them read to me (they read every day to a parent)?
• Would one of the twins be working on their animal project and need my help?
• I'm getting to be quite the expert on Tigers and Goliath Bird-Eating Spiders.  Really I am.
• Maybe Snarly Beth would remove her nose from a book or her mobile phone long enough to speak to me?
• Perhaps Cake Worm would entertain me with another story of the growth of her 'Beany' bean plant and it's nightly battles with the Snail Beast of Langstone Harbour?

Curiously the streets were empty of people as I walked home from the train station.  The pubs were all packed though with people cheering on some sporting event.  Strange but I was on the way home so I paid in no mind.  I reached my front door and burst in expecting my usual happy greeting of "DAD!" followed by a swarm of kids grabbling me.

But nothing. 

Just the sound of the tellybox blaring out a contant hiss and roar.  Curious I crept into the living room and there, to my horror, were my four lovely children sitting around an unholy sight and daubed in paint.  Strange white rectangles were plastered on their faces and hands and a cross of darkest crimson was painted in the centre like blood on a white sheet.  Worse still they were utterly entranced by several small men running around a green field kicking a sphere of pig skin around.  Thousands of people were crowded round cheering this spectacle on.  Oh the horror.

It seems that the after school club allowed all the children to watch a match of this foot ball rather than play games or draw pretty pictures.  Have we no influence over our children anymore?

Current mood: Gripped with fear


Types of "Sex"

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Current mood: Sceptical

Trying something new

Tiny Tasha practicing her juggling.

You should be able to see my youngest daughter, Tiny Tasha, practicing with her juggling balls.

EDIT

I foolishly left a typo in the comment above.  Fortunately Platform 27 allows me to edit by blog entries when I make a mistake.  What a marvelous system.

Currently playing: With Photobucket

Flurdy Gurdy

In thees ege-a ooff moolteecooltoorelism is zeere-a ruum fur sooch deegniteries ooff cumedy es zee Svedeesh Cheff?

Or is thees surt ooff theeng cunseedered receest? Bork Bork Bork!

Current mood: Silly

I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.

It's starting off to be a strange day.  I couldn't log into 20six this morning...maybe they've decided to start again?  It's a shame because I have a spiffing new background.

It's not even 9am and there are people in the office crying.  Three so far. 

Little Nicki is working two jobs to pay for her wedding and is getting stressed out because her no good loser of a fiance is drinking all her extra income and hassling her on the telephone all the time.  Well you can't choose who you fall in love with is what I always use as an excuse for some really bad decisions I've made. 

Granny Green is in tears for a different reason.  Probably a switch in her medication, you never know.  It's something to do with "the change" so that's my queue to put the kettle on.

Goggles is in tears becase other people are crying.  Some people are just too sensitive.

Someone parked an old volvo in one of the company parking spaces for about 10 minutes.  This caused consternation and much dithering in the drivers of the office.  "Should we put a note on his windscreen?", "Should we wait for him to come back?"  Good grief!

Myself, I was pondering something on my way to work.  Not so many years ago people used to put a plant on their roofs to ward against lightning.  It was a welsh something or other I think.  Anyway I thought to myself "No worries, the Old Dear will know what it's called".  Unfortunately she died at the end of March so I can't ask her.  It's funny how these things sneak up on you.  All a person's knowledge and experience is just lost when they die.  It's gone.  No second chances.

I tell you, if someone ever finds a way of backing up the human mind.  I'll be right there at the front of the queue.

Current mood: Sceptical


Watercooler

I'd just like to say that I spilled a drink by the water cooler.  It was a simple water cooler spillage type accident that could happen to anyone who was standing too close to it and accidentally dropped the crappy plastic cup down their trousers.

I have not pissed myself. 

On a positive note, it really is quite cooling and people are now avoiding me for some reason.

Current mood: Big-Smiley

She's a Wonder

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
All the world's waiting for you,
and the power you possess.
 
In your satin tights,
Fighting for your rights
And the old Red, White and Blue.
 
Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
Now the world is ready for you,
and the wonders you can do.
 
Make a hawk a dove,
Stop a war with love,
Make a liar tell the truth.
 
Wonder Woman,
Get us out from under, Wonder Woman.
All our hopes are pinned on you.
And the magic that you do.
 
Stop a bullet cold,
Make the Axis fall,
Change their minds, and change the world.
 
Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
You're a wonder, Wonder Woman.

They don't write theme tunes like that anymore

Or heroes for that matter.

Insspired by Drunken Spaniel

Current mood: Big-Smiley


Avenger Test

Vision You scored 87 Power, 62 Intelligence,and 66 Teamwork!

An android who can become both ethereal as a ghost and as hard as diamond. He can shoot a blast of energy from his forehead and can partially solidify any part of his body inside a foe which really, really hurts. What?!? You don't want to be an android? Well this android happens to get his freak on too. He was married to the super hot Scarlett Witch until he lost his emotions (just like a man). Eventually, his emotions returned and then he got some Mantis action. You're also pretty smart being an android and all, and you get along well with your teammates. Unless someone is messing with your mind which only happens every six issues or so. Your female counter-part is Scarlett Witch. You're least like Falcon (or any other human). Other Avengers you resemble: Quasar and Jack of Hearts Hank Pym is less powerful. Thor is less intelligent. Iron Man is less teamwork oriented.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 93% on Power You scored higher than 38% on Intelligence You scored higher than 52% on Teamwork You scored higher than 0% on Gender

Link: The which Avenger are you Test written by Galth on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Head ACHE

I've got the mother of all head aches.

It hurts so bad I think my eyes are stabbing my brain with little mini stakes.

I never get headaches.  It isn't fair.

I blame the heat.

In other news I'm also being eaten alive by every bug that ever lived on the planet earth.  Every one.  That just itches though and is actually a welcome distraction from the pain inside my HEAD!

If it doesn't stop soon I'm going to try trepanning my own skull.

Unless anyone has another suggestion?

Current mood: Ouchy, my head.


Clean joke

I've got lollies for the office.  In the tradition of the best lollies everywhere they have jokes on the sticks.  In a further tradition we've been shouting these jokes at each other for the last 10 minutes and guessing the answers (together with appropriate groans).

My own lolly stick says: "How do you service a pogo stick?"

Burly Kim shouted out "Stick a nymphomaniac on it"

Which is much funnier than the actual punchline of "Give it a spring clean".

The youth of today are so smutty.

Current mood: Big-Smiley

Look away if you're squeamish

Below is a photograph of such horror that I hesitate to share it with you.  It is a picture of savage dogs rending apart a poor defenceless creature.

The saddest part of that instead of rescuing this helpless victim from the vicious assault the owners actually laughed and took a photograph.

I really don't know what the world is coming to when people allow their pets to turn into such monsters.

See the horror for yourself if you dare.

...

It isn't too late to change your mind.

...

Current mood: Overcome with horror


Parenthood

This blog entry is inspired by Mylozmom and Chloe....

I have four beautiful and smashing children who I love more than anything.

From left to right they are Tiny Tasha, Little Al, Cake Worm and Snarly Beth.  They are mocking the expensive statue outside the local museum.  I may have prompted them somewhat.

Anyway I can hear some of you shouting "get on with it!" so I'll go ahead and do that then.

The point is that when I became a daddy nearly 11 years ago I really didn't have a clue what I was doing and things have not changed.  Parenting is not difficult.  You have to make sure your children are safe from harm and are equipped with the necessary skills to reach adulthood.  Sounds easy.  I mean cats manage it and they're pretty stupid.

These four babies were so small and sweet and helpless when they came into this world, freshly unpacked from their wrapping.  I was scared to even hold them in case my huge, bulky hands snapped them or something.  I soon found out that babies are pretty resilient as well as bouncy.

Before I knew it the helpless little babies were crawly little monsters who were curious about everything and had already developed the ability to get me to do anything they wanted just by smiling or hugging me.

Then, in a period that seems like only a few weeks, they were off to school.  Out of my influence.  They started coming home and telling me things about the world that they obviously thought I didn't know.  These little creatures remain fascinated by the world instead of bored and jaded by it like I was.  I began to see the world again as they saw it.  Except from a greater height.

They weren't angry at the injustices of the world because they didn't know about them.  When they were in a bad mood it was because we'd fed them something that was wrong or they were too hot, too cold or too tired.  A cuddle could make everything right.

Now they are starting to see the world like an adult sees it.  They notice that people aren't very kind to each other without any good reason, that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that death is very real and there isn't anything that they can do about it.

I've got a few years left before they really become adults and I've got their teens to go through yet.  I hope that they become good adults and have good lives and I hope that at least some of this is because of me.  Even if I've been making it all up as I go along. 

So, if you are about to become a parent or want to become one in the future or even if you are one and think that you could be better, remember this:  I still don't have a clue what I'm doing but I think they're turning out alright because I love them.

Current mood: Big-Smiley


Smashing weekend

I was going to put this on 20six on Monday morning but I decided that a good whinge was in order instead.  Anyway I'm not going to mention that other place on this blog.  Not till another day.

My weekend was lovely.  We took the kids to Portsmouth for both days and got up to quite a lot of fun.  On Saturday we saw Poseidon at the cinema.  The kids seem to have inherited their mother's love of disaster movies as they were enraptured by it.

It is nearly identical to the 1970s version but still worth seeing.

After the movie we wandered around spending money like it was going out of fashion.  I bought two snazzy new suits, a lot of DVDs and some books (of course).  The kids just wanted to go in this shop for some reason.

I'm not sure why.

We wandered around Gunwharf and looked at the ships that were in the harbour.

 

A good day was had by all.  Tiny Tasha even entertained us all with her new juggling balls.

Sunday was even better

Southsea Castle was open to the public for free all day.  Obviously we had to go there and enjoy the freeness of it all.

We had great fun putting our heads behind the lighthouse glass

and posing with the armour

and King Henry VIII

We climbed up to the battlements

tested a few guns

and went exploring in a very dark tunnel

before getting all dressed up to tea.

But the day was not over.  Far from it.  After a spot to eat we went out to cheer on the charity runners.

Then we rolled down a steep hill.  We can do this because we are still children.

Except for Beth as she is far too growed up for such high jinks.

After all this we set off for our weary journey home

via Nelson's bridge

and tunnel

Then back home for a bit of a rest.

Phew.

That has to be my longest blog ever.  I think I'll copy it onto 20six as well.

Current mood: Big-Smiley


We're off to see the wizard

It's a school closure day today and the kids are worn out from all the fun we had yesterday (which I'll blog about tomorrow).  To celebrate the last day of half term they are all relaxing in front of the tellybox and watching a DVD.

What masterpiece of visual wizardry have they chosen?  What movie marvel of the modern age do they want to see more than anything?

The Wizard of Oz.

A true classic.

Current mood: Big-Smiley


Hating the new 20six

Thanks for that.  I can't find anything and frankly I can't be bothered to look anymore.

Current mood: Angry