cul's comfy corner

today was especially set aside so that i could concentrate on my work before travelling up north tomorrow to visit my dad.

except i seriously can't be arsed.   i'm using my usual diversion tactics.   so far i have:

done lots of washing

dyed my hair

painted my nails

sat with a face mask on

watched a few films

and deciphered some dreams

this work isn't going anywhere and i know that if i don't do a large portion of it today, i'll be working through the night sunday to get it done for monday.   

why, oh why, do i insist on making things so difficult for myself?  *mcsigh*

mcjj and i spent 12 hours watching the last 10 episodes of grey's anatomy (season 3) today. 

we're not rookies, we did it properly.  the time was interspersed with champagne, pasta bolognese, ice cream, trips to the toilet and occasional star jumps.

we love that show! 

there were two really significant moments for me.  the first was izzie's 'i believe' monologue.  i will memorise that because it's so true of my year.  the second moment was the denny duquette moment *swoon*  

meredith: am i...dead?

denny: damn right you are!

*giggle**swoon* 

well, that's quite enough of the moping now, isn't it?

i'm still *very* tired.  there's no time for my big sleep yet, that's in seven weeks, but for now i had about 5 hours last night so that should keep me going for a little while with the promise of an early night tonight.  of course, for me, early means around midnight...

i can't mope any more.  two days is quite enough then i want to punch myself in the face for being so pathetic, so today is the first day of dealing with stuff.  i've got a very busy day ahead of me, collecting parcels, shopping, having the house valued and the associated tidying and preening.  then, i'm off to see a puppy!

thing about the puppy is that i've been looking for a little 'un to keep me company.  well, when i say 'looking', i mean flirting with the idea of looking and getting one.  i chatted with friends about it but that's as far as i got.  then, the very next day, a friend comes up to me and asks if i want a puppy.  it's exactly what i want and the puppy needs to secure a home urgently so i say i'm definitely interested.  the pup won't be ready until mid june so that should be ok for me to manage during the last few weeks of school.  everything seemed to be timed to perfection.

it was at this point that my brain went  into overdrive and i had to restrain myself from buying diamond studded collars and platinum water bowls for the little thing, i'm such a shoppaholic sometimes!

*bringbring* a call to say that the pup's mom is struggling to keep up with the pups, could i take the pup at the start of june when it will be seven weeks old.  i said i'd come and look at the pup and it's parents and make a decision then.  i wasn't happy about it but i might be able to cope, especially as the mom was struggling.

*bringbring* another call, 10 minutes later.  actually, the pup is ready now.  i panic and tell them that i'm just off to see my dad for another week so there won't be an opportunity to see the pup with the parents after all.  they had it all thought out because the pup will be taken to my friend's house where it will stay until i'm ready to take it home. 

*bringbring* i call my friend and ask about the pup.  is the alright taking the pup to look after for me?  "sure," she says.  "it's sad that the owner had just had enough and wanted rid of this little thing so early, isn't it? it's only 5 weeks old," she says. hang on, i thought the mother was struggling?  "well, the mother could struggle so he wants the pups gone.  the mother is a pedigree and she got caught when she got out so he doesn't want her to struggle as she's so young herself.  i'm kinda hoping you don't want him, i love this little fella already and i've only been looking after him for you today"

lies, all lies.  why do they do that?  so my flirtation with having a little puppy called jeff ended then.  i'm going to see him this morning, but make my excuses and leave.  there's no way i can look after a 5 week old pup who still needs to be handfed and nursed through the night.  i'll go for a cuddle and then tell my friend that he's all hers if she wants him.

then i'll come home and have an extra cuddle with my naughty and very hairy cats, ant and dec. 

despite being one of four children, my brother is like an only child.  my sisters and i grew up and left home a long time ago, leaving only my brother who was born when i was 19.  in some ways, he's more my son than my brother and i'm sure my sisters feel the same.

we do spoil him a bit because we know he has it tough living at home with a disabled mom and dad's recent cancer operation, so we know he's got plenty to deal with. my parents absolutely dote on him, he is the golden child and he and my dad are best friends.  it's really sweet. 

today, when my bro got back from school, the crappy little tv that flickers a bit and doesn't show all of the picture was gone and in it's place was a mega-inch plasma tv home cinema system with hi-tech this and recordable that.  he's in heaven, so chuffed that dad did this for him.

just makes me feel a little bit sad though.  dad organised it secretly when he found out he had cancer as something nice for him and mom to look forward to and as a nice suprise for my bro.  never thinks of himself.  that's why my dad is my rock.

breakfast: coffee and two nurofen

lunch: one hurried sandwich and some sticky warm blackcurrant

snack: two nurofen 

dinner: bottle of magners

yep, that's right folks - today was the school trip.   

*snarf* 

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it feels like forever since i was in my own bed.

dad's operation went well, though it went on for a massive 5 hours which freaked us all out because they'd told us it would be 3. the doc said that it was a textbook kidney removal, that he was happy with the procedure and how dad was coping with it. despite being massively swollen and being practically unrecognisable, dad stayed in good spirits so the doc said could come home in 6-8 days.

which caused me a wrinkled brow when they sent him home after 4!

no sooner had we got dad back at home than we got a call from the hospital saying there was a problem with dad's latest blood sample. they didn't divulge any info except that he needed to do another immediately and that a nurse had been despatched to the house. obviously, this has caused dad to panic this weekend but there's still no news since the nurse visited from the hospital so no news must be good news.

words cannot describe how impressed i am with the way this has been dealt with for my dad. his gp has been superb and called in a lot of favours to get dad a swift appointment with a great harley street specialist who just happens to be dad's gp's best friend! just goes to show it's not what you know, but who you know.

so, that's all for now. i've spent the last week flitting between hospital visits and scrubbing my parent's house room by room so that it was a healthy house for dad to come back to. i've averaged around 3 hours of broken sleep a night, having to get up and deal with mom's hysteria at times and general housewifely duties at other times.

i drove back from middlesbrough through the night last night so that i could spend every last minute with my family, arriving back in kent at 7:30am, just in time for a hectic day at work.

clear a space, i'm stumbling for my bed. i may be some time...

this is it.  i'm off oop north for dad's operation.

it means i'll be incommunicado for the best part of a week, but those that need it have my mobile number.

keep your fingers crossed for him, even your wobbly bits if you have them. 

sometimes it's very easy to see how hectic your life has become, but other times it requires a more...out of body experience to allow you to see that.

when you're sitting back and having a breather, that feeling that you get where you're looking down on your life, that's what shows the true picture of where you are right now, like some "ghost of everyday present".

as i look down, i can see good things, i can see positive change, family togetherness and friends that mean so much to me that they're more than friends, they're family.  that's got to be good.

last weekend, my bestest bud and i sat watching the new series of grey's anatomy.  we did not do this calmly.  we did this with gentle tears, with heartbreaking sobs and with full on crying with snot bubbles.  the show is amazing, but at the moment the current topic is just to close to home.   doesn't mean we turned it off though.  we rode through it, hugs and supportive cuddles to get through episode after episode.  we compared ourselves the the characters, watched eagerly as meredith, kristina and izzie unravelled their stories in front of our very eyes.  how funny that life imitates art so often.

which is what made this weekend and what is coming up on wednesday that little bit easier to deal with.

no matter what happens on wednesday with my dad's cancer operation (and i'm hoping above all hope that it's good things), i know that my friends are here for me.  i know that McJJ is here, no matter what.  i know that my real-life friends around me will be here in a shot if i need them and i know that you guys will be too, because that's the sort of people you are.

and so, once more into the breach, dear friends... 

is it impolite to go and see my neighbour, enquire about his health and that of his children and whilst there kick his fucking face in for hammering, drilling and banging his house apart for the last 8 weeks from 8am until 10pm seven days a week?

just wondrin' 

*sigh* 

last night, as i lay in bed dreaming, i dreamed of laying in bed dreaming.  it was one of those strange dream-within-a-dream scenarios but it did manage to shake me up a bit.

i was feeling pretty unsettled anyway and so took myself off to bed.  i lay in bed, snuggling in with the cats for company when i drifted off to sleep.

it was then i heard a sound.  it was someone breaking in.  i heard keys jingling.  i opened my eyes, terrified.  i listened but couldn't be sure i heard anything so drifted off to sleep again.  then i heard it again.  i opened my eyes once more.  it was at this point that i made myself aware that i wasn't really awake but awake in my dream so i made myself really wake up and listen.  it was pitch black and i was petrified.  i listened again and sure there wasn't anyone stealing my tv, i slipped back into my unsettled and strange sleep. 

how odd. 

this happened several times during the night.  consequently, i'm pretty tired today.  everyone has been pretty mental today because we've got a bank holiday weekend.  it's an extra day and people are acting like they're off for a six week cruise of the meditteranean.  if that's all it takes to make peope happy, good on them.

my plan was to go back up north to spend the weekend with my family but as i will be there for the next two weekends, we've decided that i should stay here and have a break.  tomorrow is the day i meet with McJJ, my bestest mate, for food and grey's anatomy. sunday i sleep and monday i'm off to my spanish friend who feeds me up and pampers me.  should be good.

so, have a good bank holiday weekend everyone.  doing anything special? 

when dealing with something as serious as cancer, it's hard to imagine things ever being right and 'normal' again.  you can imagine the dread my parents and i were feeling when we walked into the consultant's room to find out the final verdict on dad's kidney.

the consultant was very thorough, explained things carefully and clearly and i listened, my stomach turning somersaults all the while.   when he told my dad that he would be able to remove the cancer fully with the removal of thekidney, my dad broke down and my mom jumped up and screamed with relief.  it's the first time i'd seen them truly happy in years.

we've let the rest of the faily know and dad is now preparing for his operation in two weeks to have the kidney removed, what a relief.  that night, we all slept soundly for the first time in weeks.

i think my dad feels happier that it's being sorted.  he's still in pain, but he knows it's only a few weeks and he can deal with it until then.

my mom, however, has completely lost it.  her mental state is fragile at the best of time and with this hanging over her, she's gone completely loopy bonkers.  she's being nasty and agressive, she's causing arguments and crying non-stop.  i understand  that it's not her fault, but it's coming across as jealousy that dad is getting all of the attention and she is getting none so everyone is giving her a wide berth.  this, as usual, means that she's crying down the phone to me every day.  

i want to feel happy about dad too!  i want to be relieved and be excited about his operation.  instead i'm feeling really fucking miserable again, wondering how i can cheer her up and what i can do to stop her crying.  i'm very close to just walking away and letting her deal with it herself for a while so i can have a break after the stress of dealing with my dad.

i'm going to go and sit in the garden and repot some plants then cook something nice to eat in front of a sad film on the telly.  i need some space to cry it all out and then i'll be fine tomorrow.  tomorrow is another day. =)