cul's comfy corner

during the half term holidays i was averaging ten hours sleep a night.  i felt wonderfully relaxed.

however, now school has started back, i'm back on the rollercoaster, getting less than five housr a night.  every minute too precious to waste sleeping when there are stickers, worksheets and activities to be planned.

when am i going to learn?  

i'm so tired.  i'm hormonal.  i'm pissed off.

my cats really love me or they've done something remarkably naughty.  i'm just off to investigate...

fuck.  well, if you're gonna be sick, i really can't think of a better place than climbing onto the windowsill (where you're not allowed) and puking in the window, all over the back of the tv, amp, video and playstation.  yummy. 

tonight's journey to the cinema took me to see the eagerly anticipated 'History Boys'

i was desperate to see it and my friend sensed my desperation when i asked if we could see it tonight on its closing performance and accompanied me to the cinema.

now i've had time to think about it, i consider it a very sad film essentially.  moreover, i can't help feeling a little disappointed too.  i felt that, although being a very watchable film, it was largely overacted. this was mostly due to the subject matter and the entire ethos of the film which couldn't be helped and despite this, it was very enjoyable. 

the overwhelming message from the story is twofold. firstly, it is essential that you lie in essays and inrterviews. secondly, that all teachers are perverts who, given the chance, would all like a quick fondle with their charges.

hmmm.

in a bid to ressurect my filmage section, i bring you two reviews.

tonight i saw 'the last kiss'

if i'm honest, i wasn't looking forward to it given the current state of my personal life, but i actually found this film quite refreshing.  it was meaty and had a lot of substance to chew over.  the characters were real and the subject matter was dealt with in a way that made me think.   it wasn't some chick flick or some silly insignificant piece, this was like a hearty meal that needed digestion.

i fully recommend it and give it 4 out of 5.  huzzah!

previous to that i watched the simply fascinating 'devil wears prada'

this film was funny and, though not hilarious, it gave me plenty to chuckle at. 

despite the hype, i was left feeling that it was nothing new.  it was a collection of comments from those crappy reality fashion shows thrown together into a film with superb casting that made into an ok film. 

meryl streep was fantastic as the evil boss, her portrayal was everything i expected.  i was sucked right into the film and really empathised with the characters but that didn't detract away from the content.  

sadly, they went for a moralistic story which kinda killed the ending for me.  i prefer those that don't force the happy ending if it isn't natural to the story.

all in all, worth a watch and an average 2.5 - 3 out of 5.

so, what have you been watching?  

i'm so sleepy.

i certainly didn't appreciate my naughty cats waking me up at 8:30 this morning when i wanted to sleep late, nor did i appreciate  feeling cold when i got up to do so.  

i padded off back to bed after that, with a luther vandross cd on, a good book and a warm snuggly duvet.  ah, bliss.

it was the best way i could think of to chill out this morning.  anyone got any better ideas?  what do you do? 

that was a long seven weeks with the new kids at school.  they're lovely kids, but this forst term is so draining, it's quite unbelievable sometimes.

still, i've got a week to catch up on some (read:lots) work, unpack my suitcase from last weekend's wedding jaunt and catch up on some sleep.  hopefully.

i'm breaking my lifelong rule of not working on a friday and i'm working all evening in the supreme hope that it means that i can stop working midweek and actually enjoy a few days without worrying about work.  i'll work until 9pm i guess and then i'm going to settle down with the small bottle of champers i've got chilling in the fridge as a gift to myself for getting through this term alone. 

have a good weekend everyone!

one more day to go, one more day to go...

a little braver today.

i have spent some time mulling things over and organised a few things in my head and realise that things aren't that bad.

i've had a tough few weeks but last week really took the biscuit. i felt desperately sad, lonely, unwanted, deflated and desperately unhappy.

thankfully, i feel much more positive today. i can't really explain why, i think i'm just starting to come to terms with things right now.

***

this weekend was the weekend of my friend's wedding. it was a hugely lavish affair with lots of guests and my whole family there. i was really looking forward to the distraction, but it actually came close to being the weekend from hell.

my sister was the chief bridesmaid and so spent all of the pre-wedding day and wedding morning running around after the bride. it my my job then, to run around after my sister and be a general dogsbody for the wedding party. i got children dressed, ferried clothes to the reception, wrapped gifts, went shopping and hemmed trousers at the last minute, leaving only minutes to fling some clothes on and curl my hair. nightmare.

i had a massive row with my mom, who was no longer speaking to me and my sister had decided i wasn't supporting her enough so she went mental. i got a call from my cat-sitters to say that i'd left the key in the back of the door and so they couldn't get in to feed my cats and i was 350 miles away and could do nothing. i panicked, but i sorted it and did not cry.

i finally got to the church in all of my finery, sat down for the service when my other sister went as white as a sheet and nearly passed out. turned out she'd taken too many painkillers for her poorly gum and she was freaking out. had to leave the church mid-service and drive her home then drive back and run back to the church in heels to try to catch the end of the service, which i didn't.

determined to get some photos at least, i flicked on my camera and the batteries died. luckily i'd brought a 12 pack of fully charged rechargable ones in my bag! sadly, none of those worked because my camera was broken and died before i took one single picture.

i resorted to taking whatever pictures i could on my crappy phone:

the happy couple 

me and my 'little' bro 

my sister and her man 

my neice and nephew 

my mom, dad and bro 

despite the bride looking radiant and my happiness for the couple, i couldn't shift my bad mood. went to the reception and watched my parents bickering throughout the entire thing. told them i'd be going home if they didn't stop.

bride's sister sat next to me telling me all of her relationship problems for an hour and a half. she wanted more commitment, she wanted him to take better care of her, 15 years, a car and a house simply wasn't enough, blah blah blah. after a while, she noticed that i was looking glazed so she said 'here i am talking all about myself and i haven't asked you anything. tell me something about yourself, i want to get to know you. go on, tell me something'

'i'm getting divorced' i said with a grin and walked off as she choked on her olive...

i feel like my life has taken on that of a teenager's with all the associated angst and penchant for all things black, though it's long been the only colour i wear.

i'm furious with myself right now, i'm disappointed that i've let myself get so dragged down with the end of my relationship.  i thought i was stronger than that.  i'm disappointed that i'm so tearful but i'm also disappointed that i've set myself up to fail because i set such impossibly unrealistic constraints upon myself. 

why shouldn't i feel like shit for a while?  surely that's allowed?

i spent a long time with a man who treated me like shit.  i fought through it, being strong and taking each day at a time.  i defended him. i tried to understand him.  i betrayed myself, my friends and my family to be with him.  i compromised my ideals beyond what was reasonable, and all in the name of love.  i loved him.  unconditional love for the most part, overwhelming heartfelt love for him for the most part.  i gave him everything i had.

in return, i was rewarded with a disagreeable, antagonistic, unreliable emotional retard who decided that he suddenly felt so strongly about animals that he could no longer face living with me because i refused to back down this time like i have every other time. 

maybe i'm stronger than i think? 

i wait for a day when this hurts less

i wait for a day when i can get through ten minutes without thinking of him and his new life

i wait for a day when i don't wake up, tears already in my eyes

i wait for a day when i do more than 'cope'

i wait for a day when i like what i see in the mirror

i wait for a day when i can smile and be me again

feels pretty shitty right now.  my confidence is at an all time low and no matter how much people tell me that i'm 'looking good recently' or that i 'seem so much happier' since rob left, i just can't seem to drag myself out of the depths of despair.

i've cried so much this last few days that i can't imagine a day when i don't cry.  i even broke down at work on tuesday and had to leave the kids because i was hysterical.  

this is torture.  

i thought i was going to die last night, you know.  i was crying so hard that i really thought i was going to have a heart attack.  in the end, i got so light-headed that i just passed out.

what a sad existance i lead. 

drama over

a night of tears was all i needed to get myself back on track. 

i think it's important for me to realise that although i feel great most of the time, there are times when things aren't going to feel good and that's ok too. 

i'm hoping for a good weekend.  my mom's coming to stay... 

a bit low tonight.

i haven't seen rob in a while and he text me to ask if he could come over and collect more stuff tonight.  i agreed and waited nervously for him to arrive.

i've been pretty angry with him since he left and trying to forget about 'us' and move on with my life.  this was especially easy as he was so rude to me the last time i saw him and i wanted to punch his lights out. 

tonight though, he looked really well.  he looked more like the rob i used to love, back in the day.  he seemed calm, happy even, and that made me happy too.  

i remained composed during his visit and didn't even become tearful, let alone cry, while he was here. i felt so proud of myself.

it's just hit me now though.  he's happy and calm now because he doesn't have me nagging him to death.  he's happy because i'm not dragging him down and making his life a misery.

he's calm and happy without me and i'm trying to be and i thought i was but it feels like i've been pretending.

i am *so* not ok about this at the moment. 

*sob* 

when i arrived home from work this evening i was desperate for the loo.  i ran upstairs and managed to make it just in time you'll be glad to hear.  no sooner had i connected with the seat, i heard the most ungodly catterwalling coming from downstairs.  the cats were scrapping and doing that 'come and feed us now!' noise that usually works very well.

i stopped what i was doing *cough* and poked my head over the bannister.  'what are you two doing?' i yelled downstairs. 

dec was mid-slide across the hall floor and ant was sniggering with his paw stretched out way in front of him. 'nothing', they replied. 

i returned to the job in hand when i heard another crash, bang and wallop downstairs.  'oy!  behave, now or you're grounded', i yelled before managing to sort myself out and start down the stairs. 

as i reached the bottom stair, dec was mid-flight off the cd shelving and ant was inside my school bag pretending not to look like he was scrabbling about.  no sooner had they seen me, they both flopped to the floor and gave exaggerated yawns and started whistling, still avoiding eye contact.

hours later, i sat in the living room watching my 30 minutes of tv for the day when dec came over and forced himself onto my lap for cuddles and dribbles.  too tired to fight his advances, i allowed him onto my lap and put my hand out to stroke him when WHOOOOMPH! he was off accross the room, hurtling into a bookcase, flipping onto his back with a paw behind the playstation trunk, flipping something into the air, chasing it behind the tv and with a final flick of his paw, tossing a baby mouse up in the air and into his mouth before rushing outside.  

ant yawned, 'so that's where he left it' before rolling over and dozing off.

so, working with 'wayne' today and he had made a lovely drawing of a star that he wanted to cut out and put on another picture.

the following conversation ensued: 

wayne: how am i going to get the star off here?

me: you can use these scissors and cut it out along the lines

wayne: rawwwwwr

me: indeed.  which scissors will you use?  those ones?  good.  now try to cut it carefully along the lines

wayne: rawr

me: wayne, you're making some really funny noises.  what's that all about?

wayne: i'm growling.  it's cos i'm cutting along the lions

tee hee *titter*