Clockwork

All my work is gone. I've been running away from my thoughts and mostly, my feelings, for the past eight days. I just realized that I invested myself during almost two years with somebody who didn't give a shit about me. I loved that woman with all my heart and soul and now everything I got was nothing at all. How does that fucking feel, to be rejected then shot like a fucking dog. Being told that I am a manipulative being and such.

I am thinking.. Have I worked on myself for nothing? Am I ever gonna find somebody that understands me fully and wants to evolve with me, and SHOW me that she loves me instead of promising me earth and seas and hope and giving nothing. I wish to know no feelings; to share nothing and keep everything for myself. I wish not to be generous and caring, because while I'm all that.. I open up to failure and rejection. I want to be understood.. I want.. I want.. I want .. I want.. I want to understand myself. I want to feel what it's like to be complete. I want to feel what it's like to share. I want to be granted something for more than just an evanescent moment. I want to laugh and be happy for real. I want not to have a facade for everybody to be okay. I want to bury myself alive and close my eyes forever. .. I want .. everything. 

 I want to stop crying. I want to stop my heart from beating. I want to stop thinking. I want to erase my memories. I want to select my emotions. Tune myself so I DON'T feel PAIN OR FEAR OR SADNESS OR LUST for somebody who does NOT give a SHIT about me. I want to be selfish. I want to be a fucking asshole, I want my armor back. I want back.. I want to go back. I want to fall back and hide. I want to retreat. I want to be numb. 

I hate myself so much I want to destroy all.