See what you did?

Know what the fuck you did

‘Coz you are gonna need it where you go

to hell you’re going

to die you’re going

walk on your grave I will

.. not pity you I will..

not until..

you realize

 

the

fucking

shit

you

made

me

go

through

 

tu m’as poussée à m’auto-détruire

intellectuellement

faire des choses pour toi

tout ça pour un amour à sens unique

écrasé sur une voie publique

un non-sens sans dessus dessous

à poil et nu sans armure

 

naw.. fuck you.. tu penses que tu m’as eue ?

tu penses que.. tu me connais ?

tu m’as .. aliénée

assimilée

comme une ostie d’traînée

comme si j’était juste un déchet

vraiment comme ça tu crois que je vois pas. Je suis aveugle, borgne d’un œil et médusée de l’autre

foutues émotions.. elles m’ont encore eue !

 

well wake up !

you’re fucking ALONE now

you’re gonna be

always.. forever..

‘coz you won’t

WAKE UP

 

Saddest thing is.. I tried

‘coz I loved you

but now I realize

you are happy as you are.

Fucking BLIND like you are

.. think I’m gonna cry for you?..

Promises 

Remove the traitor from my chest

Hurry, before it’s too late

Before I feel

Before I need..

I’m screaming.. drowning in the mirror

Of my perception

Tired.. so drained.

 

I have given everything .. every single ounce in my body I have given to you. Every drop of blood I sweat for you.

 

I made you bleed. I hit you, because it was enough. I had enough. I couldn’t.. let you.. again.. no.. not again.. I don’t want.. another bullet to go through my chest.

I want my armor back. I want my STRENGHT back

You fucking thief!

 

You fucking asshole… fucking.. traitor. liar.. promises.. never held .. always.. treated me..

Too much I endured for too little I had back in return.

 

And.. I loved you.. but I need to RIP the traitor from my SKIN. Take that knife, and finish the work, would you?

 

I want you to know.

What you did to me

I hope you’re fucking happy, now.

I hope you’re fucking DEAD, now

I want you to hurt, like you hurt me

 

Taste your own medicine

See the blood in your hands?

That’s me… was me.. in you.. in me.. forever..

 

Though I had you. How come we used to think we’d belong to each other forever? How come .. you made me hate you?.. Feel numb for you?..

 

Tried to save you.. but you don’t even want to save yourself! Old story, but new pain.. I had to know you. I have to go back to that. Being ripped apart.. watch yourself carefully in the mirror.. ‘coz I’m gonna be right next to you..

 

May 18^th, 2008

Québec

For the one I gave everything for.

All my work is gone. I've been running away from my thoughts and mostly, my feelings, for the past eight days. I just realized that I invested myself during almost two years with somebody who didn't give a shit about me. I loved that woman with all my heart and soul and now everything I got was nothing at all. How does that fucking feel, to be rejected then shot like a fucking dog. Being told that I am a manipulative being and such.

I am thinking.. Have I worked on myself for nothing? Am I ever gonna find somebody that understands me fully and wants to evolve with me, and SHOW me that she loves me instead of promising me earth and seas and hope and giving nothing. I wish to know no feelings; to share nothing and keep everything for myself. I wish not to be generous and caring, because while I'm all that.. I open up to failure and rejection. I want to be understood.. I want.. I want.. I want .. I want.. I want to understand myself. I want to feel what it's like to be complete. I want to feel what it's like to share. I want to be granted something for more than just an evanescent moment. I want to laugh and be happy for real. I want not to have a facade for everybody to be okay. I want to bury myself alive and close my eyes forever. .. I want .. everything. 

 I want to stop crying. I want to stop my heart from beating. I want to stop thinking. I want to erase my memories. I want to select my emotions. Tune myself so I DON'T feel PAIN OR FEAR OR SADNESS OR LUST for somebody who does NOT give a SHIT about me. I want to be selfish. I want to be a fucking asshole, I want my armor back. I want back.. I want to go back. I want to fall back and hide. I want to retreat. I want to be numb. 

I hate myself so much I want to destroy all. 

Trying hard to stay awake. At that time, it's kind of awkward. It's not dark anymore; there is light. I'm deep within my thoughts. Well, the lack of, there is. Trying to figure out.. trying to grasp exactly. Who am I? What do I want?.. Why do I have a hard time remaining alone? Am I afraid of my inner self? Am I gonna start.. abusing myself once again?..

I just hope that.. someday, sometime the right girl is gonna come across and enlighten me, because for now, I keep battling with myself to find the real reason why I keep seeking help in the form of therapy. And today, well it was my last appointment. I was searching in my mind for something to talk about but I didn't find anything. I know that nothing is right; there is always something wrong, still. It's just there, waiting. Biding its time until it comes out. I just hope that it's not going to be in the ugliest of way. I tend to like myself when I can control my emotions. I hate losing control; I can't accept that.  

Actually, I lied. This blog is going to be about myself. But not.. directly, as you might think. Think of it like a book of some sort. A diary of my.. thoughts; feelings; etc.

Just hope that I don't deceive anybody.

A new beginning awaits me. In fact, today marks the seventh day of my celibacy. I am now single, and about to start a new work. I met new people and among those, very interesting ones. I would like to say thank you to those who are still here with me today, supporting and bearing with me throughout my various issues and delicacies that life has to offer me.

I believe that life is going to bring me awesome things, because for the past few years, I encountered several obstacles that kept me from evolving the way I wanted to. But all those.. situations, that happened taught me how to react and with those very stressful and hard to live situations, I developed new weapons and tools to protect myself in case of other stressful events.

I know sometimes how blogs and personal web pages may seem self-centered and annoying, but that is not the goal of mine. My blog is going to be a place where I simply create and share some offerings on the Internet, while remaining 100% anonymous throughout the humongous crowd that assemble what we call the world wide web.

Writing sometimes is the cure for certain diseases and problems. That what saved me, some time ago... That's mainly what I do.

- Peace, out

VοδkΛ