Monday, July 3, 2006
Fin
I've heard many times that patience is a virtue. I have the capacity to wait for long periods of time but not shorter ones. I've been waiting and stressing over a call I never get. So I chose not to anymore. I keep wondering if this decision is marked too much in my need to believe that I can walk away, like a false strength. Yet the other way I'm a fool. I can't keep yo-yoing back and forth, I'm putting my unsure foot down. Either way I go has the potential of happiness in the end but this way allows for so much more. I think it's scary falling in love for the first time and even more frightening the second. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I've grown so much in the past year and I need to keep growing because I'm still so far behind.
It's a shame it has to be this way. I was so comfortable and happy because I was always myself and always accepted as nothing less. But I won't wait for anyone, I will get what I want and not settle. It's an empowering sadness. Maybe some other time...
{blood(note to self)}
You can bite your lip as hard as you want
For days on end you can squeeze your eyes shut
You hide it so well but they'll be able to tell without a sob
You can fight any battle worth winning alone
But it will take years and it will take tears and blood
It will gradually creep and happily sneak the cruelest of crawls
It will take steady standing and fake many landings on all of your falls
Somedays a smile will somehow find you when you feel that long ago you died
And you swear you've given up again until you wake up alive
If you open the window you might as well open the door
Or are you afraid that no one's coming in anymore?
If what's inside for a second chance doesn't quite make the cut
Will you retreat into defeat and keep it forever shut?
You may not be alright but you'll make it all the same
Your fingers will be tired from pointing the blame
And bitterness makes your shell a little harder to crack
Makes it all worth the amount of blood you lack
»2:13 AM »2 comments (0
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Posted by: casualty
Judgement Day
Today could be somewhat of a relief or go totally wrong. If it's the latter you will not hear from me for a while. I've been extremely stressed waiting on something and with a cold that won't quit as well. I've been trying to keep myself sane: comfort food, cigarettes, sleeping pills, and The Osbournes. Also last night after my freak out I found out that my debit card can sometimes be used to purchase things online. So I got these boots from my favorite store that are only available online. They're over $70 but it helped me sleep a bit better that night so it was worth it. I still have two hours until I make my call, wish me luck.
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Posted by: casualty
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Picking Locks
I have mentioned this topic enough that it should be obvious that it is an actual occurrence in my life and not something I hope to get feedback on. I have dealt with it quitely in a previous relationship that I never should have gotten into. I learned not to be quiet, to voice my opinions loud, clear and within reason. A relationship is about being open and honest, communication is key. But lately I've been tired of hearing myself sounding like a broken record. She listens for a short while if at all and then the cycle repeats. I haven't taken a back seat to her friends, they're riding in a limo as I walk. I admit to being a jealous and needy person and I know very well that I have to work on it. I don't have a problem with her seeing her friends but when it is almost everyday for hours at a time or the whole day just to do the same thing over and over it does bother me. It seems once they call or are over I turn invisible, she will tell me that she will call back in minutes or return as soon as she can but then never does. That also would not bother me if it weren't for the frequency of it. I always tell her how it makes me feel and she sincerely feels bad and will spend the rest of the day and then the next making it up but after that she's gone again. I've decided to give up saying anything. I know it could build up and become a bigger issue which is something I hate but I don't see another way. I have talked with a few people, some close friends and some professionals and all of them agree with me but still part of me believes that I am being unreasonable. Either way caged emotion is never anything less than dangerous.
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Posted by: casualty
Monday, June 26, 2006
Take Up Thy Stethoscope And Walk
I began to get a sore throat about a week and a half ago. It seemed to go away for a while but then hit me about three days ago. That night I got quite drunk but I couldn't fall asleep, I had sinus pressure so badly that my teeth hurt. I hate to take any medicine but some Sudafed helped me get some broken sleep. Yesterday I would get winded just speaking and couldn't make out a sentence without coughing. I downed some Nyquil which took two hours to put me to sleep. I woke up this morning barely able to talk so I decided not to be stubborn anymore. I hate going to the doctors though and find it sad for those who whenever they have even just a little spot of cold they rush to the doctors. I have a perfectly good immune system and there is no point in having it if I don't use it. But when it's getting hard to breathe giving in seems the only option.
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Posted by: casualty
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Summer Shudder
I have my computer back. It's barely eased anything, just a simple distraction.
Home used to be a place of comfort for me, one that if I wandered too far from would fill me with anxiety. In such a small amount of time I unexpectedly made a home somewhere else. I was accepted into a family I felt I had known all my life. I missed feeling part of something like that. Now I feel torn away from it all. Mostly one single person who made me forget every terrible thing just being in their presence. I always knew they were a part of me because of our deep, enigmatic connection. I just never knew how much. That part of me is missing but it feels like I am completely empty. My mother tells me I look as if the life has been sucked out of me and she doesn't know how right she is. I'm not coping well at all. I couldn't take dwelling on it all day so now I take my old medication so that I just sleep through this nightmare. I keep on waiting for news, good or bad, I don't know yet.
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