The new Beachhutman Blog - Beijing Olympics

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Gently force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and mild soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Gently force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T - shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from up the tree. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it if necessary. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any really small hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

2. Toss in the air

By the way, some of you are using ISPs without a location - just a country footprint. So there are dozens of US and British readers who just come up as "UK" or "US". If you are not here, and want to be added, tell me! 1. Alfortville, France- 2. Alicante , Spain - 3. Andover, Hampshire, England - 4. Arvada, Colorado, US- 5. Austin, Texas, US - 6. Aylesbury, UK. (Duck or grouse?) 7. Bad Ems, Germany 8. Banbury, Oxford, England - 9. Bankok, Thailand - 10. Barcelona, Spain- 11. Basingstoke, Hants, England- 12. Baton Rouge, Lousianna, US - 13. Beijing, China- 14. Bergen, Norway- 15. Berlin, Germany 16. Bern Switzerland - 17. Besancon, France- 18. Blue bell, Penn, US - 19. Bogota, Columbia- 20. Boondall, Queensland, AUS- 21. Boston, Ma, US- 22. Bremen, Germany (DMTS)- 23. Brisbane, Queensland, US- 24. Bristol, England- 25. Cairo, Egypt (salaam Wa Likum)- 26. Calgary, Alberta, Canada- 27. Canberra,. Australia- 28. Cardiff, Wales, UK - 29. Carmichael, California, US - 30. Cary, North Carolina, US - 31. Ceres, California, US - 32. Chesterfield,. England - 33. Chicago, Illiois, USA- 34. Clifton, New Jersey, US - 35. Coacalco, Mexico - 36. Coalville, Leicestershire, England- 37. Columbus, Ohio, US- 38. Coventry, England - 39. Cudahy, Wisconsin, US- 40. Culman, Alabama, US- 41. Denholm, Scottish Borders- 42. Denver, Colorado, US - 43. Derry, Ulster - 44. Doncaster, England - 45. Draveil, Ile-de-France, Paris- 46. Durham, England (Kim?)- 47. Edinburgh, Scotland, UK - 48. El Paso, Texas, US- 49. Enumclaw, Washington, US (not DC)- 50. Eslv, Skane Lan, Sweden - 51. Evico, Sweden - 52. Fallingbostal, Germany- 53. Fgura, Malta (Keef halak?)- 54. Fornebu, Akershus, Norway - 55. Fort Sill, Oklahoma, US - 56. Frome, Somerset, England- 57. Galashiels Scotland (That'll NOT be the knitting witch queen of north Britain then)- 58. Ganda, Spain- 59. Gdansk, Poland- 60. Genova, Italy - 61. Gig Harbour, Washington, US- 62. Gillingham, Dorset, England- 63. Gloucester, UK- 64. Grays, Essex, England 65. Halifax, England - 66. Hatfield, South Yorkshire, England - 67. Heanor, Derbyshire, England - 68. Hershey, Pennsylvania, US - 69. Hong Kong Central (nin Hao)- 70. Horsham, west Suffolk, England - 71. Houston, Texas, US - 72. Indio, Ca, US- 73. Ipswich, Suffolk, England- (Melody?) 74. Jan (Jaen?) AndalUS-ia, Spain (that may be Nina?)- 75. Jnkping, Jonkopings Lan, Sweden - 76. Kasukabe, Saitama,` Japan- 77. Katrineholm, Sodermanlands Lan, Sweden 78. Kingston Nova Scotia, Canada- 79. Krk Croatia- 80. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia- 81. La Garriga, Spain - 82. La Quinta, Ca, US- 83. Lafayette, Indiana, US - 84. Lawton, Oklahoma, US - 85. Leeds, England- 86. Legans, Spain - 87. Lisbon Portugal - 88. Liverpool, UK 89. Llanelli, Wales - 90. London, England- 91. Long Beach, Ca, 92. Loughton , Essex, England - 93. Lule, Sweden - 94. Madrid, Spain - 95. Makati Philipines - 96. Manchester New Hampshire, US - 97. Manises, Valenciana, Spain- 98. Mansfield, Notts, England- 99. Marbella, Spain - 100. Maribor, Brezovica Slovenia - 101. Marinha Grande, Portugal - 102. Mauritius- 103. Medina de Campo, Spain- 104. Metaerie, Louisiana, US - 105. Midrand South Africa- 106. Modesto, California, US - 107. Moscow, Russian Fed - 108. Moulineaux, Haute-Normandie, France- 109. Mount Laurel, NJ, US- 110. Navoi, Nawoiy, Uzbekistan - 111. New Delhi, India- 112. New York, USA - 113. North Point Estate, Hong Kong - 114. Northwich, Cheshire, England- 115. Oberstetten , Germany - 116. Oklahoma City, US- 117. Okotoks, Alberta, Canada- 118. Oldham, England- 119. Oslo, Norway - 120. Oxford, England- 121. Parkes, NSW, Australia- 122. Pathum Thani, Thailand 123. Pelotas, Brazil,- 124. Perth, Perth and Kinross, Scotland- 125. Philadelphia, Pen, US 126. Placentia, California, US - 127. Prague, Czech Republic - 128. Quincy, Illinois, US- 129. Reigate, Surrey, UK- 130. Republic of Korea- 131. Riverside, Rhode Island, US- 132. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia- 133. Rochester, New York USA - 134. Rotenberg, Germany- 135. Rugby, England- 136. Ruovesi, Finland- 137. Salisbury, UK- 138. San Diego, California, US (Hi Robert?)- 139. San Jose, Ca, US- 140. Santiago, Chile (That was Yarb, that was, building up the ol' carbon footprint for the year)- 141. Saudi Arabia (proxy)- 142. Sestri Levante, Liguria, Italy - 143. Sheffield England- 144. Shenzen, PR China- 145. Shreveport, Louisianna, US - 146. Singapore, Singapore- 147. Sleaford, Lincolnshire, England - 148. Slough, UK (Come, friendly Bombs?) - 149. Spokane, US - 150. St Helens, England - 151. Stockport, England - 152. Sunbury, England - 153. Sundsvall, Vasternorrlands Lan, Sweden - 154. Sunnyvale, California, US- 155. Switzerland- 156. Sydney NSW, Australia - 157. Syke, Germany - 158. Tacoma, Washington, US- 159. Taipei, Taiwan- 160. Tarbes, France- 161. Tashkent, Tashkent - 162. Tempe, Arizona, USA - 163. Tewkesbury, Mass, US- 164. Tilberg, NL (Robert T? is that you? )- 165. United Arab Emirates- 166. Vancouver, Canada- 167. Victoria BC, Canada- 168. Vienna, Austria (Not Heather)- 169. Vilvoorde, Brabant, Belgium- 170. Wakefield, England-- 171. Washington DC, US- 172. Watford, UK (Nice to see you Dwight )- 173. Winter park, Florida, US- (Sallie, nice of you to drop in)- 174. Wolverhampton, England (What ho Chaotic)- 175. Wrexham, Wales (Jennyta)- 176. Xewkija, Malta - 177. Yeovil, Somerset, England-- 178. York, England- 179. Zaandam, Netherlands 180. Zoetermeer, Zuid-Hollan Netherlands -

Well, the lake district training went well, and we have all decamped to Cambridge. Everyone here seems in good spirits, despite my session this morning on learning styles, and we have just got in fro a dinner in town at La Tasca, possibly the worst service I have ever experienced at that chain - don't go.

This is the place we are staying at; really nice, quality venue.

I leave in five days for the drive to Spain over that big bridge on the title strip. Before then, my 61st. Working. I did plan to go punting, but......

Up here in the English Lake District for a five day stint of training managers in Leadership skills

Obviously, when I say "Training Managers", I mean that the real work is being done by the good folks at Brathay Hall, and I just swan around eating and drinking and looking useful. I find that's best.

Regrettably, I do have to do some work next week, in Cambridge.

For those of you keeping score, this week ticks off another image from the summer headersd strip. Guess which?

Well, Friday and SAturday were pretty busy; I had to drive down to Cambridge for a meeting, then back up again to Yorkshire. Out of a misguided sense of duty I went to see the AP, then today.........

... for a day or two I'm back in the hotel NH in The Hague to help kick off the 2008 course. I shall try to avoid the welcome dinner tonight, and sidle off to my favourite little Italian restaurant in Korte Poten for dinner.

Anyway, we are now into the "last leg" of the summer - in two weeks I drive out to Spain.

Update: I didn't avoid the dinner. Oh well.