Hemorrhage

i dreamt of him last night. it was one hazy scene that he was actually there. dreams dont mean anything anyways. at least i saw him there.

and a text came. im going home this weekend. i miss the bahalina. i miss the beach. im going there with them. back to the old good days.

i bought another carton of coffee today. choco fudge flavor =p

i had 2 cups of coffee (mocha and brewed) last night after office. i end up sleeping 4 in the am! 4 hours in bed listening to FUEL. i dont usually have this kind of insomnia before, maybe it does depends at times. good thing i dont have some sort of a hangover even if i woke up 8 in the morning. oh well, just like, hangovers anyway.

i was actually trying not to get a beer. so i had coffee. =)

nobody's going to answer the phone
nobody's going to open that fucking door
nobody's going to turn off the lights
nobody's going to know im decaying inside.

a few months back was probably the most disappointing feeling i ever felt in my entire life. i have so much sad stories. i was disappointed when my father and mother werent really going on well. they had bad, unhealthy relationship with each other. i was disappointed eversince i was 7 years old. but it cannot be compared when danny caused my heart to leak and bleed. i spent almost 6 years in my life with him, and him in mine. nothing compares to it at the mo.

and a few nights back, valentine's day, i saw my friend cried. fuck valentine's day, why should we be pressured? why should i be pressured? seeing a lot of couples together made me sick that night. she cried again last night. i couldnt talk more becos i pictured myself back when i was so lowly, when i was so alone, and nothing to cry on to but my bedsheets and a pillow. i had no one else to cry to. i cpnstantly played Earshot and Element Eighty on my cd player like a maniac. i can just picture it again when i was still in Xlibris. on the verge of crying in front of the computer monitor. i would rushed to take a rest in the toilet, hang out there for a few minutes becos i was crying. i would squat on the floor with my head on my knees. squat like a little girl at the corner of her bedroom afraid of his angry father. and now, this little friend of mine, crying over someone she had just dumped. it is indeed very hard to let go of a certain person. we become selfish in a way. we wanted to own them. we always wanted to belong to somebody we love. and as for me, i thought i ought to belong to danny. now he's not here with me anymore, and what a hopeless thought to say, i need someone i can grow old with (if i ever grow old becos i probably would die young), i need that someone again, be my very special person and partner in life.

i am currently not looking for someone... probably. i am tired of all these bullshits. i would just enjoy a couple of beers and drink the night away, go on a holiday on a weekend, go to the beach (PANGLAO lagiiiiii!!! yawaa!!!) have fun becos i might be dead the next thing, we'll never know. i have an eye on one person though. and im just wondering, why do i like guys who are indifferent? who are distant? who seemed disinterested? snob? i forlornly wonder why! maybe becos i like the challenge? hahaha, maybe becos i also sound like them to people i do not like? or do i intimidate him? some guys tell me i am intimidating. that i am maldita. i am a snob. but i dont like a lot of people. i dont like guys who are all out, who are very vocal and blah blah blah. i dont want them smothering me. i only want to be smothered by the most special person im going to love. lol corny. =|

im talking shit now. i just need a goddamn vacation. end of story.

sometimes. it feels like it's okay with me when deep down inside of me, in chaotic part of my being, it's really not. i can't do anything about it. it's not that i have to do something about it. i won't beg. i won't snatch you from where you are now. from where you think you belong to. im done with the crying few months back. you know what you are thinking. you know who you think you are. but you cant know me more now. so do i to you. for now, we will remain as is. we will live life without each other in sight anymore. we will live as though we dont know each other anymore. live as if we're complete strangers again. when i was with you, my world was with you only. you were my world. now, i feel like im slowly coming out of my shell, made some good friends lately, learned to stand on my own becos i think i knew there is life ahead. there must be someone better out there. i realized the world is so big. i havent noticed it before dan. it was very much different from our world we made for each other. even if we have disengage from this pact of ours, you will always be a part of my new world, only, you will be distant now. the crack inside my heart is you. you've been there ever since i met you. it will always stay. i will always remain. i will always be your Anna.

um dont worry, i will be okay soon. you know that. and i know i'll see ya around though... bantay lang ka yawaa ka!

what do you know about moving on?

can you just forget a person whose been the biggest part of your life for the past 7 years? bigger than your mother? bigger than your family? do not tell me to move on when you didnt know what we were. you dont thave the right to judge me telling me to move on. just leave me wallowing with my thoughts. if you cant handle me bugging you about him, just leave me. just tell me to shut up in front of you and i will shut up. simple.

and how did you know i havent gotten over him yet? do you know myself better than me? was i blabbering too much about him? or you assumed i havent gotten over him yet becos i was out with you drinking. and you assumed i meant it right? you're funny..

1. to release from attachment or connection; loosen; unfasten
2. to free (oneself) from an engagement, pledge, obligation, etc.

that little bewitched paradise is always haunting me! when i die, i wanna be buried there under the trees... where dead leaves and flowers litter on top of my grave... where butterflies and fireflies grieve for my touch... where waves splash onto the cliffs on a breezy sunday afternoon...

nya ako, slowly decaying, wahahhaha! kaluoy...