Chauncey...: Latest Entries

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Mackenzie Crook's Agent

Dear Philly (interesting name, what is it short for (if anything) I wonder?)

Allow me to introduce myself, I am C.Q.Monkhouse, freelance TV executive and all round pressure cooker of ideas. You may have heard of me in connection with my work with Noel Edunds, Branscombe Richmond and Bryan Cranston among others.

Well now that the introductions are out of the way I wish to offer you and your client Mackenzie Crook the opportunity of a lifetime.

Since Mackenzie's stint on telly's The Office we really haven't seen much of him at all. Personally I'm surprised because I thought his career would take off after such a good role but there you are, one mans televisual gold is anothers load of old crap!

Fear not though because I have a brilliant idea that is sure to get Mackenzie back in the limelight and aid your failing agency.

By Hook, or By Crook?

The idea is this. Mackenzie (the Crook of the title) and Peter Hook (the Hook of the title and low slung bass legend of Joy Division and New Order fame) present a TV panel game in which the two of them battle it out in different rounds to do 'stuff' (of which more later if you decide to go with me on this, after all I don't want to give you all my ideas in one go) This 'stuff' is then judged by a celebrity panel who have to guess if what they are judging was done by Hook, or Crook...

I expect you are reeling at the simplicity, not to mention genius of this idea so take a moment if you need to.

Well obviously I'll take care of Hooky and get him on board. He'll be putty in my hands when he realises that Mackenzie is in because I have it on good authority that he is a big fan.

I look forward to working with you closely on this project Philly, or may I call you Phil?

I am your servant,

C.Q.Monkhouse

The reply.

Hi Chauncey,

Thanks for your email regarding our client Mackenzie Crook.

Your "idea" is not for him.

He's extremely busy making feature films and has been doing so non stop for over ten years with our management team so we are far from a "failing agency".

One of the movies he was in is in the top 5 highest grossing movies of all times...

He is still firmly in the limelight globally.

Regards.

Philly

My reply.

Dear Philly, (still most curious about that name)

I apologise if I gave you the impression that I think your business is failing, all I meant by my comments is that I feel Mackenzie's profile could be raised by a show like By Hook, or By Crook.

Still as you say Mackenzie has been in one of the most successful films of all time (Sex Lives of the Potato Men?) and is in the old limelight so you must be doing something right.

Once again I apologise fo any insult and assure you that youre terse reply will not put me off sending you other ideas for Mackenzie or any of your other clients in the future.

I remain yours,

C.Q.Monkhouse

Thursday, January 25, 2007

A Long Awaited Reply From Supernanny...

Dear Chauncey,

Thank you so much for contacting Supernanny. If you are still having difficulties please can you forward us some contact telephone numbers and if you have any photographs of your family please email them or you can post them to the Supernanny team our address is below.

Many thanks.

Best wishes,

S******

And so I reply with the bad news.

Dear S******,

Thank you for replying to my email, alas you are too late.

All 7 (seven) of my little 'angels' were put up for adoption just last month and I burned all memory of them on a bonfire to which I invited a few neighbours.

The final straw that broke the camels toe was Bethnal and Willis' blackmailing of our bank manager over an incident involving a (one) prositute and fourty (40) litres of a soft drink called Freeway in a flat above our local chip shop. Mr Mainwaring (our Bmak manager) insists that the whole thing was a mix up by the way.

And so I will be unable to participate in your telly show.

Anyway thank you for contacting me and do not hesitate to do so again if you feel I could help you in any other way such as being a cautionary tale for some other neglectful father.

I am yours forever,

CQ Monkhouse

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Dear Office of Who is Who,

Thank you most sincerely for your speedy reply. I wonder who exactly is on the selection board?

I expect it is hard and tiring work sifting through all those nominations, maybe I could lend a hand somehow. I would be quite happy to bake them a cake or even send them some money to be put towards the charity of their choice?

If you would let them know I have offered I should be most grateful.

Yours forever,

Martin Leatherby Philanthropist, Campaigner, Librarian

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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Dear Mr Leatherby

Thank you for your e-mail which will be passed to the selection board for consideration.

Yours sincerely

The Office of Who's Who

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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Who's Who Nominations

Dear Sir, Madam, or whom it may concern,

My name is Martin Leatherby and I hereby nominate myself for inclusion in the next edition of Who is WHo.

To save your biographers time and to ensure that no mistakes are made I have taken the liberty of writing my own potted Who is Who style biography.

Leatherby, Martin Coxwain; Philanthropist, Campaigner and Librarian.

Born 16th April 1963.

Father; Leonard Leatherby.

Mother; Primrose Leatherby nee Hill.

Married; Audrey Talgarth June 2000 (after long engagement) No children.

Education; Purley Nursery, Heavers Farm Primary, Riddlestown Secondary. 2 GCE's, Woodwork (C) History (D)

Career; Croydon Library 1979 - Present

Frequent contributor to the Croydon Gazette letters page and poetry corner.

During my spare time I enjoy writing letters and poetry to newspapers and campaigning against whichever harebrained scheme my local council are involved in next. I also contribute regularly to charity though never the cat woman who sits outside Iceland as her blank, dead eyes scare me somewhat.

Contact; martinleatherby@yahoo.co.uk

I do hope this will be all you require and if you could write to me telling when the next edition will be published.

Yours with affection,

Martin Leatherby

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Friday, December 1, 2006

Countingdown

Dearest Des O'Connor,

CONGRATULATIONS!

Of course I speak of your new job on words and numbers game Countingdown. I must say I was shocked and disgusted when Des (spit) Lynam got the job last time round. It's nothing I can put my finger on, but I feel sure that Lynam is a bad egg. I shouldn't be at all surprised if he turns out to be some kind of opium fiend however you will not mention my suspicions until I have investigated further.

Well now to the business in hand. Much as I love Countingdown (I have watched it now all of my lives and for the last five and a half(of a year) years I have made my friend and flatmate Oscar Ruiz Menendez watch it too, he constantly comes up with Cuban words but I don't let him have them as that isn't in the rules) where was I? Oh yes, much as I love Countingdown I feel that there is something missing. Something that you (Des O'Connor) are perfectly placed to bring to the show. Pehaps instead of the interminable ramblings of Richard Digance and the other blundering oafs they insist on putting in dictionary corner, you could sing Carol Vorderman (the thinking mans muffin) a romantic ballad. Actually on second thoughts that may make Mel jealous and upset. Instead you could sing a nice song for the contestants, after all has Carol really done anything to deserve a song?

Also I think you need a new round to stir things up a bit. After all for nearly 40 years now we have had letter round followed by letter round followed by letter round followed by number round followed by letter round followed by interminable ramblings of Richard Digance and Giles Brandreth followed by letters round followed by letters round followed by numbers round followed by letters round and so on and so on.

TO that end I have taken the step of thinking up some new rounds that will take the Countingdown viewers by thunder storm.

1 (one) Some kind of algebra round.

2(two) Some form of essay round.

Three(3) Some kind of spelling test.

4(four) Some form of mini talent contest. Songing or dancing or even a nobbly knees contest.

Well I'm sure you are very busy but get back to me when you have a chance and we'll discuss my ideas in more detail.

Give my regards to Mel.

All my love and warmest kisses,

CQ Monkhouse

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Chauncey Pixelated

While the rest of you sleep Chauncey wipes the back of his hand across a fevered brow and plots yet another assault on the worlds media.

Not content with an appearance in the Guardian questioning his own sexuality with a query about the validity of a Hawaiian shirt in a heterosexual gentlemans wardrobe, Chauncey has now gone one better (no offence meant to the Guardian) and made the first of what he hopes will be many appearances in the pixelated world of Ceefax.

Here's the deal my little chumpkins, get your comments on Have Your Say (formerly Backchat) and Chauncey will call you brother/sister (or anything you want really) so what are you waiting for? Stop twiddling your plums and get (back)chatting.

Watch out Teletext and Bamber Boozler, Chauncey says you's a marked Walter Mathau lookalike!

Rock on you pixelated dog shits!

P.S. Enzo, get a job or start watching The Wright Stuff, the choice is yours...

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

January 21 2007

Remember that date my friends, because that is when one of the biggest movie stars the universe has ever known is coming to town.

Fairfield Hall, Croydon, with his band Thunderbox... Steven Seagal!

HOLY SHIT!

And yes his band really is called Thunderbox.

Rock the boogie fatwa you funky dog shits!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Dear Mr Copperfield,

May I begin by thanking you. Many years ago I saw you float across the Grand Canyon towards Bonnie Tyler who was singing of her need for a hero. You were that hero and at the same time as fulflling Bonnie's requirements in the hero field you also filled mine. I had been directionless and a drain on my countries resources. A slack and pointless existence, but having witnessed your tremendous exploits I have turned my life around. I went out and bought myself a magic set marketed by the British you, Paul Daniels, and set about turning myself in to a magician.

It's taken time, it's taken heartache, it's cost my best friend and housemate Oscar Ruiz Menendez (he's Cuban) his little fingers, but now afte a long residency at a local working mens club I think I am ready.

I am going to float across the English Chanel next Thursday (providing the weather is nice) The English press ahve been informed, the French press have been informed (though how much they understood I don't know as my French is limited) and now you my hero and inspiration have been informed.

I think I am ready for this challenge but I wonder if we two floaters might exchange notes.

I know how I am going to float across the channel, but how exactly did you float across the Canyon?

And do you have Bonnie Tyler's phone number?

Well I can't stand (I'm actually sitting) here all day talking to you, I have reservations to make at the fnest restaurant that France has to offer.

All my love and kisses,

Cahuncey Q Monkhouse

P.S. Do you know Siegfried and Roy? How is whichever one it was that got attacked by that animal thing?

P.P.S. I wouldn't be stepping on your toes if I asked Bonnie Tyler out would I?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

From The 20six Archives

Dear Mr Cole, (or may I call you Joe?)

Forgive me for contacting you out of the Blie(s)* like this but I have a business proposition for you.

As you may have guessed I am something of a joker and it has long been my aim to open a joke shop containing all manner of jokes both practical and otherwise. "Where do I come in?" I hear you thinking. Well I would like to name my shop Joe Coles Joke Hole. I would not expect any input from you as I am sure you are a very busy man, however if you do wish to bankroll my idea I would not put up much of a struggle.

If you wish to contact me to discuss this fantastic opportunity then it would be great to hear from you.

Yours Chauncey Q Monkhouse

* A reference to the Blues of Chelsea.